The Betchiest Housewife of Beverly Hills

By The Betches

Season 2, Episode 7: "Dana's Game Night Up Kyle's Ass Gone Wild"

Last night's episode brought on a range of emotions, even for us. Something finally moved on Brandi's face, her tears. Everyone kept pointing at each other. Jackie Chan debuted his first gay role. The housewives successfully enacted a scene from Mean Girls during Camille's charity event. They were one BBM away from screaming "you can't sit with us!!" at Brandicap.

kyle and kim"I'm going to swing you around by your hair"

We loved watching them rationalize the whole Brandi episode based entirely on her bizarre call-out of Kim for doing crystal meth. We get it, you modeled in the 90s, everyone did it, you know all the signs, that's how often you went to the bathroom when you were addicted to crystal meth, your douchebag ex-husband used to lace your crystal meth with LSD and you used to act just like Kim, blah blah blah. Then Kim went home to go... do crystal meth dust her picture frames.




Quote of the Night:


Dana: Let's go on that journey with Kim, you know, let's go there, let's just go, we're together forever, always have been, you know, everybody. Kyle: .....Who?



"I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but I'm always fucking right" 10 points


+3: Earning the #9 nickname 'the Queen of England' from Brandi, even if it was sarcastic. She probs thinks you're Tony Blair's wife. +5: Everything you say is so fucking quick. "I'm from a trailer, don't forget" ... "We don't." Zing. -1: Really Kyle? Does Kim need to hit you over the head with her Valium bottle? Denial is not just a river that little African babies drink from. +3: Text group chat? We're d.

kim and brandi



"Life in Beverly Hills is a game, and I'm #32 winning" 8 points


+3: Brandi's drowning in bimbo soup and you're floating in betchiness. +1: For giving Brandi the Winston nickname +1: "It's like the Asian version of Father of the Bride" - We were going to say that. Then you did. We're like, the same person. +3: We know you knew there was NO way your daughter's wedding would be anything near 150 grand. It's cute how you're trying to please the 99% percent though, we fucked that one up yesterday.



"People try to figure me out but like, they think I sold that house for $20,000? Are they okay? Hello?!"4 points


-1: Imagine if this whole time Kim was just accidentally getting fucked up from too much "breath spray" Air-Wick +3: The Juicy suit. Now we know who Amy Poehler was imitating. +2: The most elegant thing about you is your collar bone.



"I finally found my voice, turns out it's been obstructed by my lips" 2 points


-1: The terror on your face during the brawl made you look like the mom in The Shining. +1: For the hilarity of her screaming NO TOUCHING like she's a priest at a fucking Catholic school dance. +2: She sounded kind of smart this episode. Therapy's really working for Tay.



"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, my water sports equipment is" 2 points


+1: "Kyle can be a bitch, she can be tough" - Oh Camille, the sting of the past. This is the part where Camille is thanking God and Bravo that this isn't happening to her again and they're letting her play a diplomat this season. -1: "I don't have two guys who like me out there" - No? Where's Nick tennis hottie? +1: Sick closet, who organizes those sunglasses, DD? +1: Does DD charge more for lying to you about how you look?

[Camille's mom: An honorary +1 for being sooo cute and another +1 for "why don't you look in the mirror and see what you think of you think of your own sunglasses." You kill it with the old-person dry sarcasm thing.]



"Having it all is easy, I know from my vast experience in having it all" 0 points


It's like, whatever. We really want to like you but like.... doooo something.

taylor and shelley duval



"I was a mistake" -12 points


-2: "We're from Beverly Hills, we live our life, we do our thing" - Blow me Dana, even Brandi with her one functional neuron and vast knowledge of history and geography knows you're from Beverly Hills nouveau riche so just shut the fuck up and never open your mouth again and maybe you'll drop a few. -5: If there were a cash prize for the most pathetic housewife, you could pay for this "healthy safe vaca" that no one will go on with you. -3: Maybe you meant to audition for the other housewives show. ABC is down the street, Eva Longoria will be waiting there in case you need a quick reminder that you're a fat ass. -2: "I feel like a 1950s American princess" - yeah Dana, you're just like alllllll those princesses in America in the 1950s.



"FUCK YOU" -14 points


-10: Public display of tears!!!!! We were SO happy watching this happen because we knew we could make her the least betchy this week. Fucking finally. -3: "I'm not gonna be the one who doesn't show up to Camille's charity because the mean girls betches are mean to me." - Way to go to a breast cancer event and think only about yourself. -1: Can't speak or fight or think, can only say fuck you, and 'hobble'

Last week's recap>>





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