The Betchiest Housewife of Beverly Hills: Episode 9

By The Betches

January 15, 2013

Last night's RHOBH was probably one of the most stupid hours of TV I've ever seen, and I've watched The Gates. Like the entire episode revolved around this one group dinner at a Morrocan restaurant where, according to Kyle, people were supposed to be sitting on the floor. But were they all definitely sitting on benches. So Kyle, if by sitting on the floor, you meant not sitting on the floor, then yes you were sitting on the floor.

I just don't get why everyone is always so shocked when these dinners go awry. It's like, don't you all know what private dining is synonymous with in the Real Housewife franchise? They might as well sit them down to eat in a Beverly Hills boxing ring. Talk about sitting on the floor, Kyle. I'd stay away from Taylor though, that bitch has a lot of pent up anger.

Speaking of Taylor, it's really LOL that she's anointed herself Emotionally Strongest Housewife of the Year. WE'RE NOT GONNA DO IT, WE'RE NOT GONNA CRY. Last night she was the queen of the divorcée corner, drunkenly spouting out inspirational single-woman cliches left and right. And when I say spouting, I meant spitting, because I definitely saw some spit fly out of Tay's mouth and land on Camille's left cheek.

Lisa +3

"Life isn't all about diamonds and rosé, it's also bout a husband who will build a "garden" sex swing for you with his watch the housekeeper build it with her bare hands"

+1: When you were like "Hey gig you little sexy man." The gigster needs some more screen time I miss that cute little mofo.

+2: I won't deny how cute the swing thing was because Lisa looked genuinely happy. But it would have been fucking funny if while Lisa was swinging the branch broke. 

Kyle +1

"I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, this is my town, and my husband has some serious splainin' to do."

+3: "I'll do this cleanse until I get back home today."

+1: When you were young you thought Kim could do magic... well, Kim definitely still thinks she can do magic.

-4: I was not feeling Mauricio's anger. It was soooo unattractive I was cringing. Stop defending Paul, he looks like that Fievel Mouskewitz, that mouse from An American Tail.

+1: "Honey if that was any less than a hundred, don't bother me"

Brandi +1

"Money doesn't give you class, and every time I say my opening liner, I want to sing "Money Can't Buy You Class" in a really deep voice."

+1: Brandi's idea of dinner diplomacy - These are my FUCKING kids we're talking about so shut the fuck up. Okay, fuck face? Where's dessert?

Adrienne -2

"Know your friends, show Brandi your power of attorney."

-2: Couldn't make it to din din because she was in New York, getting a uterus implanted to prove the rumors wrong.

Taylor -13

"I'm actually out of my fucking mind."

-3: Like one minute you're crying that you're not ready to date and the next you are announcing that you want people to set you up with a "Ken" or a "Lisa." I could literally vom, but I guess we all know who's next on the queue for rehab!

-10: "My life is so hard right now it's like when I fly with my daughter we have to fly commercial. She just says things like 'mommy where's my dad plane?' and it just breaks my heart."

Kim +7

"Life is a journey and on my way I keep finding that I have many screws loose in my head."

+2: "I can't do the cleanse anymore. I just can't."

+3: For Gary, the guy she paid to come over and praise her wonderful aura. Gary is apparently Kim's life coach who looks more suited to coach Leonardo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries.

+2: Kim has a houseman named Milton. Classic. He seems like a butler but in reality I bet he's her drug dealer who has a proclivity for mopping.

Yolanda +12 

"I like to have fun but only when fun doesn't involve eating solid foods."

+3: I can't handle Yolanda, she's such a joke. And apparently a walking advertisement for the master cleanse. All points henceforth are positive because I was laughing just that hard.

+2: When Kyle comes over "I'm making honey!" … Chill out, Pooh.

+2: "No like, you don't get it, I'm like fucking obsessed with lemons."

+1: "Okay now that we talked about my lemons, how is your bat shit alcoholic sister doing?"

+2: Yolanda is mad at Kim for not coming over to do the MC. "WE PINKY SWORE that we would do the master cleanse!!" Right, because pinky swearing is the most scared bond between two people in Beverly Hills and kindergarten. Actually, when I was 5 I thought it was called "pinky squaring" and I would insist my friends make squares with our pinkies while we swore. Just thought you should know.

+1: You know what else these women are bad at? Arabic culture. You know who's good at arabic culture? My husband…who is currently chilling with Barbara Streisand. Ever heard of her? Wait, have you seen my house?

+1: "I think that if Kim would stop being so fucking flakey and come and enjoy my lemons and honey then she would be able to be a new person." FALSE. One afternoon with Yolanda and I'm sure I would definitely need a drink. Leaving Yolanda's house is probably THE escape from Witch Mountain.

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