The 10 Betchiest Scandals of 2013

By The Betches

10. Lance Armstrong is a cheater

Blah blah blah steroids. This scandal is really one for the boys but what betch doesn't appreciate watching a fall from grace? Save your Livestrong bracelets betches, they may be worth something in the future. Especially if you ironically paint them Cartier gold and call them Lovestrong bracelets.

9. The Mayor of Toronto smokes a lot of crack

Aside from the crime of looking the way he does, Rob Ford also hangs out with thugs and tries to bribe them into not telling anyone he does crack. And that wasn't ONE time. In his own words, "I don't pop molly, I'm Rob "Crack" Ford." At least that's what we heard.

8. Manti Te'o gets catfished

Not only did this scandal reveal to the world that catfishing is a serious issue and not a thing on MTV, but it also revealed how a real live college football player was catfished in real life. To recap this scandal, basically one of Manti's closest most loyal friends created a fake girlfriend for him who existed only online, and then she died and he was really upset. And then everyone found out he was mourning a fake girl. This is probably the most depressing scandal here actually.

7. Anthony Wiener's sexting 

Because that dick pic was disgusting. Anthony Wiener's penis made back-to-back appearances among the top ranking scandals two years in a row. I mean this bro can barely keep his dick in his pants let alone off the internet. But these days basically any politician can make a comeback so who knows, maybe we'll see Carlos Danger, Free Love 2016?

6. Teen Mom is a porn star

Teen Mom Farrah Abraham is a porn star, which isn't that surprising considering she is indeed a teen mom. From a DUI to a sex tape to being rejected by Playboy to a correspondence from Charlie Sheen that ended with the following letter from him, I wish I didn't just start paying attention to this scandal five minutes ago.

hey, you desperate guzzler of stagnant douche agua;

I truly do not recall giving you permission to globally reveal any communication between us. congrats on surviving your lobotomy and an even bigger congratz on the recent attempt at porn.

your daughter must be so proud.

please send my number to middle earth and if allowed, eagerly follow it into said abyss and slam the door behind you. the world will collectively sigh as the pungent memory of you vanishes into the pedestrian troposphere of lame-suck and zero-life.

oh and I'm sure they'll wave the cover charge when they see your tranny-boobs and five o'clock shadow.


5. Chris Brown vs. Frank Ocean

These two got in a major brawl in LA over a parking space. Shouldn't these people have drivers to deal with these problems? This probably happened because Chris Brown needed someone to punch. The lawsuit is ongoing. Reminder: this is over a fucking parking spot.

4. Alec Baldwin vs. the paparazzi

Everyone knows by now that Alec Baldwin has a little temper. Like if you go near his wife, his kids, or his game of Scrabble he will NOT hesistate to flip out, potentially smack a camera out of your hand and call you a cocksucking fathead. Burn.

3. Paula Deen is a racist

For once, our issues with Paula are not of the 'she needs to chill with the fucking butter' variety. In the world of offensive slurs right next to Alec Baldwin, we have Paula Deen. She used the N-word and made some racist jokes and for that reason, she deserves to be publicly shamed and kicked off her shows. Good luck Paula, we're sure there are plenty of racists out there who would be happy to watch your YouTube channel.

2. Justin Bieber vs. The World

Whether he was insulting Bill Clinton, the Great Wall of China, the bucket he peed in while he was drunk, Anne Frank, or a Brazilian prostitute, Justin Bieber made a fuckton of enemies this year. Literally this bro walks out the door and if he makes it to his destination without either crashing his car or getting pulled over and berating a cop, there a 99% chance he'll offend someone when he gets there. I just saw an actual headline on google "Justin Bieber goes to the Philippines and doesn't offend anyone!" What like it's hard??

1. Miley Cyrus: Her existence

She cut her hair like a man. Broke off her engagement with the hottest man alive. Humped the stage and foam-fingered herself at the VMAs. Smoked weed on stage at the EMAs. Got grills. Twerked everywhere. Basically had sex with a wrecking ball. Wore her hair like Billy Idol to the Met Gala. Need we say more?




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