The Canyons: Betches Love This Movie?

By The Betches

I harbor no shame in admitting that I backed The Canyons on Kickstarter. As a big fan of Bret Easton Ellis and Gus Van Sant (who was loosely attached to the film) I thought, hey, this has to be at least three quarters good, or at least any fraction better than Liz and Dick. Since I know BEE isn't reading this I just have to say FUCK THAT. Give me my fucking money back. Eight of nine people in your movie were porn "stars" so they couldn't have been paid much and therefore I conclude my monetary support was to maintain the crew's coke habit.


Things I didn't mind:

Nolan Funk i.e. the new hot guy on Awkward: He looked really really hot - like made the movie worth watching hot. He got a blow job from a guy in one scene which had no bearing on the plot but then again no scene in the movie made any sense so it was just like, whatever. Nolan, you're sexy.

Lindsay Lohan: She wasn't BAD per se, she just wasn't "So if your Mom is my Mom and my Dad is your Dad... and we're both born on October 11th, then you and I are... like… sisters"  good.  When she showed her boobs those 45 times I was like, I can't believe I'm seeing Hallie/Annie's boobs right now.

Shit that made me angry:

All the dick: I didn't need to see it, I just didn't.

James Deen: I get that this was supposed to be a porn star's breakthrough into regular film, but aside from the minimal difference between the Canyons and a porn flick, Deen seemed to have watched Cruel Intentions one time, took some notes, and was like Omg I should like, totally act! He was.. the same character. Another thing I noted was that he walked REALLY weird up the stairs like his feet didn't fit on each individual step. Is that because his dick is so big? Seeing as these were my thoughts during the film, the plot couldn't have mattered much.

TexTV: The fuck?

And finally, the plot: With all the shots of the deserted movie theaters and the film being centered around the production of a shitty movie, was this some sort of meta commentary on how movies suck these days? I mean, if it was then putting out a shitty movie by way of movie goer's money is fairly brilliant. Then again it was also a huge waste of my time.

Still, this was some seriously seedy shit by Bret Easton Ellis. Come on bro you wrote American Psycho and Less than Zero, so maybe the whole screen writing thing isn't for you. Either way this script sounded like it came from the same guy who wrote the worst episode of the Babysitter's Club.




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