Welcome to the first-ever Betches The Challenge: Rivals III recap. Not gonna lie… Never seen it in my life, but based on the “Previously On…” it seems like a typical MTV shit show but with prizes. Excellent. For those like me who have never watched, here’s the premise:
Rejects Previous cast members from The Real World, Road Rules (does that still exist??) and Are You The One come to Mexico to compete in challenges and they’re paired up with people of the opposite sex they fucking hate. If they win they get like $250 grand, which honestly, doesn’t sound like enough for this, but do you I guess. Spoiler alert: CT isn’t here, so that’s a bummer, because that’s the only thing I know about these wack-ass shows. But let’s dive in anyway.
We start out in some ratchet club, and Ashley, who happens to be wearing a rhinestone choker just fyi, is slurring some shit about being left out by the group. With this crew, I personally wouldn’t view that as a failure but whatevs that’s just me.
Cut to said choker girl staring down some bro in a fedora (I later learn that this is Jamie) who she fucked on the first night. In a sketchy bathroom. With everyone watching… The whole outcast thing makes more sense now. Got it.
Anyway, Jamie does an awkward booty pop thing that I’m afraid he thinks is dancing (#StopWhitePeople), which sends Ashley into hysterics.
Jamie: What’s wrong?
Ashley: Get the fuck away from me, yo…
Jamie: You crazy!
Retweet, Jamie. Retweet.
Question. Does Ashley think a night #1 quickie means she’s in an exclusive relationship? Did someone tell her this was The Bachelor? Keep up, choker girl. Ashley’s now in the club bathroom and in walks Nicole. Ashley tells her to piss on herself, which actually made me spit out my prosecco so fuck you Ashley. I need every drop to get me through this nonsense. Ashley spews this lame but hilarious insult because Nicole made out with Jamie? Just pointing out that this did NOT happen, but fine. I can’t focus on this any more because I’m bored by now, but long story short, everyone goes home and Ashley ends up fucking Jamie again. LOL
Next morning Ashley hears a group of girls talking shit and freaks out again. They accuse her of causing drama for screen time, which a) might be true and b) is working. I’m halfway through this recap and it’s ALL Ashley. So kudos, Ash.
Finally we make it to a damn challenge. Some ex-contestants named Avery and Leroy (is that his real name?) had to go home due to injury so SURPRISE… New people! Turns out it’s Amanda and Nelson from AYTO. Great, another insane female. This is show is really helping out with the whole feminism/gender equality thing.
TJ (the host) somewhat explains the challenge, which involves humping a bar with soap on it until the soap is gone so you can see a number or something, and I’m just like we get it MTV. These people are hoes and their parents are disappointed. No need to beat a dead horse.
Round #1: All the AYTO couples are voted to go first because apparently Real World/Road Rules people think they’re better than AYTO and want to kick all of them out first. I feel like everyone on this show sucks equally, but that’s just me. We get started and this is the most uncomfortable I’ve been all day. The only thing that really matters is that Christina and whoever her partner is won and the newbs Amanda and Nelson lost.
Round #2: Here comes Ashley. She makes some joke about how she’s been practicing for this challenge all week. WE FUCKIN KNOW. Competition starts and Ashley is having a full on orgasm and I am somehow even more uncomfortable than I just was. Elsewhere, Simone announces her crotch is burning. TMI, but okay. Results: Wes and Nany won; Thomas, Simone and her burning lady bits lost.
Simone: My vagina feels like a spicy quesadilla.
Quesadillas? For Mexico? Groundbreaking…
Side note: Is it just me or do none of these rivals seem to be actual rivals?
Round #3: Ahhh… Here’s Bananas. Treating this shit like the fucking Olympics per usual. So glad him and Sarah don’t win. Camila and Tony do, and they seem pretty forgettable in comparison to these other fuckboys and gals. Johnny and Jessica lose, and they take it REALLY hard. I think it’s because the world just saw how terrible of lays they all would be.
TJ tells us there’s yet another shake up, and I think this is getting to be more than any of the contestants’ or average MTV viewer’s brains can handle. Amanda and Nelson now get to bring two extra teams to what I’m assuming is the loser challenge, but might be tequila tasting? IDK. I’m drunk now. Wait… Now TJ says he's canceling the elimination and we are having a party? Why the fuck did I just watch a bunch of idiots hump soap for 30 minutes?
So Amanda and Nelson choose Simone, Thomas, Bananas and Sarah to go to a restaurant that looks exceptionally average. Meanwhile back at the house, Wes is being like my crazy conspiracy theory-loving uncle, and talking about all the crazy things that are going to happen to the three couples who are currently sitting at a restaurant straight chillin.
We go back to the restaurant and we’re playing “Let’s rehash why we’re all rivals.” BRILLIANT! Let’s bring up old shit that we just got over by humping soap and start hating each other again. There’s a lot of raised voices and I’m getting exhausted and then Amanda becomes a Jersey Shore version of Stassi and tells Bananas she’s going to chop his dick off. Normal.
We’re abruptly at home again and Simone is super drunk, and now she bitches out Wes because he’s not attracted to her. But he has a girlfriend. And she knows that… So she’s mad because he’s a decent guy. Also, she has a boyfriend. And that’s the exact ass-backwards thinking that landed all of these people on MTV for the nth time rather than, ya know, college or a job or something.
Johnny tries to get to know Amanda and ask her some normal questions and, like every other girl on this show, she loses her fucking mind for no reason. I mean, she is just ripping Johnny and Tony out of nowhere. Then Camila decides to get in on the action because Tony is her partner and it’s not cool to buck at someone’s partner. But like isn’t that why you’re rivals in the first place? I’m too logical for this show.
Now here comes Nelson to get Amanda out of this train wreck of a situation with the pep talk of the century.
Nelson to Amanda: DON’T BE YOU
That’s advice everyone on this show, hell let’s just go ahead and say all of MTV, should consider taking. And then the show ends. No elimination or anything… What kind of competition reality show is this?