August 17, 2015
There are like a ton of garbage articles on the internet about how to land your dream job or score an interview at the company of your dreams. Gag. But there’s not much out there on how to leave a shitty job that you hate without seeming like a total asshole.
Here’s what to do to say adios mutha fuckas without burning every bridge you built at work.
Betches should have no problem confronting a situation that’s truly terrible. Most of the time our problems can be solved with general passive aggressive behavior or a snotty text, this is not one of those times. You actually have to go to your boss’ office and give them your two weeks. Two weeks is the standard amount of time you need to give if you want any sort of recommendation from your current employer. If things are super terrible, like the anxiety you undergo at work is giving you stress hives, you can quit on the spot, but make sure you don’t want a recommendation from your boss, coworker or anyone else you’re leaving in a lurch.
Your two weeks should be a sufficient enough clue that you aren’t happy where you’re working, but if your employer wants some details, try to be at least slightly diplomatic about it. Pretend you’re in the interview that got you the job and lie about why you feel the need to leave. Sugarcoat the fact that you get paid way less than your skank of a coworker who takes four hour lunch breaks every day, don’t mention that your cube-mate smells like lunch meat and cigarettes and it makes you want to Patrick Bateman his ass. Just play nice and GTFO.
Don’t wait for the company email to go around that you’re leaving in two weeks to let your best work friend know you’re eighty-sixing this hell-hole. They’ll probably feel betrayed or just left out of the loop. This person has been your office-gossip savior and the person you complain to about everything work related. Don’t piss them off, they might go on a smear campaign about you when you leave and you know what kind of dirt they have on you. In the words of Chris Brown, these hoes ain’t loyal.
Don’t pack up your desk while bragging about how much you’re getting paid at your new job or how vacation and benefits and basically everything else that goes with it is going to make your current job look like a non-Seattle area Burger King. (Those mofos make $15 an hour, they have nothing to complain about.) If you want to be really classy, buy everyone a round at your going away party. No one can be mad at the person supplying free booze..