A Strongly Worded Letter To "The Dab"

Dear “The Dab”,

I must be getting old as shit because some trends that sweep through the halls of high schools like a bad case of mouth herpes after prom are now completely lost on me.

Don’t get me wrong, I can still get behind some of the “Damn Daniels” of the world and find those totally entertaining and hilarious, but some internet memes and weird viral trends are just over my head these days.

One of such trends: The Dab.

I just don’t fucking get it. I’ve even done, like, more research than I’d like to admit trying to figure out why this is a thing.

Its origins are murky at best. Some rappers, Rich the Kid and Migos, came out with songs about dabbing around the same time. Their YouTube videos popped up with the dab-heavy songs in September of 2015. Neither of those songs are 1) very good or 2) popular in the circles I run in.

The dab-inventing “rappers” even got into a Twitter fight with Bow Wow, formerly of Lil Bow Wow fame, when he tried to pretend like he was familiar with dabbing. Turns out, he was familiar with the marijuana version of “the dab” which is like cool Bow Wow, as if anyone is impressed by pot smoking anymore. It’s legal in two too many states for that to be cool.

Then Cam Newtown started dabbing through the NFL like some sort of heavy-sweat-inducing plague. Now people are dabbing like it’s nobody’s business.

Children are dabbing. People are photobombing news and sports casts with dabbing. Even grandparents are getting in on the dab action.

Yet, its success is still lost on me. It’s not a dance. People who argue that it’s a dance are seriously disturbed. The Soulja Boy dance was a dance (I’m showing my age here, aren’t I?). The Single Ladies dance was a Dance. The Dab, on the other hand, is a brief loss of motor function or a quick way to appear less sweaty at the club. But a dance, it is not. 

It takes no skill, memory, or rhythm to dab.  Are you having a stroke? Are you fainting for just a quick sec? Did someone hypnotize you to make yourself look like a damn fool anytime you hear music?

If someone could, like, please explain why this is a thing, it would be highly appreciated.


I really don’t get it. Really. 




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