May 9, 2014
We all know instagram is the photo representation of how betchy your life is. Now there are a few categories of betches who have something particularly interesting going on in their lives, thus making them worthy of you not falling asleep until 4 in the morning because you can't stop scrolling through these randos with fascinating insta-lives. If you remotely know anyone that falls into the following categories it is highly recommended you accept you may just be a stalker.
A betch getting married may be all about her “special day” but we all know any betch worth her weight in TLC bridal shows is stretching that shit out for MONTHS. It all starts with the mandatory “we’re engaged!” gram of the ring, and it’s only uphill from there in terms of rich stalking material. Overpriced invitations made of like, Egyptian cotton?? Watch her get a lapdance from a drag queen at her bachelorette party. She is definitely cuter than her husband in the engagement photos, but he’s a close second. Then, it’s THE DAY. Did they get married in at The Pierre or a chic Aspen barn? Because those are like, the only two options. How many mason jars were there?? You may not have been invited to the wedding, but you’re there every step of the way courtesy of the wedding betch’s instagram.
Highlights: Any pre-wedding event she wore a tiara and sash to, hot groomsmen, spotting the one bridesmaid that was clearly not on the email thread when they picked the dress. A lot of weddings have their own hashtag. #KatieAndScottTieTheKnot! Oh, you fancy, huh?
You’ll enjoy stalking pageant girls if you enjoy Toddlers in Tiaras. As you scroll your pageant betch’s feed, you can ponder soul-searching questions such as, where does one buy a sequined ruffle sequin bikini and can you drop-pin me the store’s location? When they win crowns, it’s like you won a crown but without having to get spray-tanned. If you really commit to following a betches’ pageant career, you might even see them on TV one day in Miss America and then punch a wall if they don’t make it into the top 10. We were robbed!
Highlights: Pageant girls getting married and pageant girls going to prom. They were made for these moments, and they attack them with hair spray.
Whether it's betches in your own sorority or someone elses, sororities are a treasure trove of stalking material. A regular Friday night for a sorority betch is an opportunity to look like Nicole Richie after she lost the weight but before she became a boring mom, not to mention formals. Also, get ready for painted letters from a dead language and cupcakes at multiple points. But the holy grail of stalking is when a sorority betch graduates. Many will take these senior photos with a professional photographer. They wear nude wedges and link arms under archways. It looks like a polygamous wedding without the groom and it’s the BEST.
Highlights: Any sorority south of the Mason-Dixon line is on a whole ‘nother LEVEL. Also peplum, so much glorious peplum.
Instagram babies don’t cry or poop or even scream-cry, but they do wear adorable Minnie mouse costumes on Halloween. They get propped up in front of snow men you know they were too tiny to build. They get food on their faces and and instead of cleaning it up, their mom’s take a picture for your enjoyment. Instagram babies are also a good reminder to wrap it up.
Highlights: If you work anywhere with secretaries, follow them. Secretaries love to document their children because obviously secretaries have nothing else to insta?
Stalking a rich betch on instagram is like watching a tiny Bravo TV show without sound. You’ll love the pictures of their tastefully distressed gold jewelry, family vacations to tropical islands, and thanksgiving place settings that look like they’re in the Russian Tea Room, because they are. Also, rich betches have a lot of pets, probably because they don’t have to clean up the poop themselves. Yorkies wearing heatherette tutus? I’m not complaining.
Highlights: Betches whose parents are famous or have famous friends. Rich betch Christmas.