February 25, 2014
Every betch fucking loves Spring Break. Don't let these clowns ruin it for you.
Being a lightweight is not a bad thing, so don’t be in denial about it. You consume less calories overall, so odds are you’re extra skinny. I mean, if I paid for my own drinks I’d probably wish I was a lightweight, too. Do us all a favor and just own the fact that you get from zero to blackout after 2 shots of Malibu so you can actually make it out past the pregame for once.
Not to be confused with the group photog. Don’t get us wrong, we love pics as much as the next betch. After all, it took me years of sorority life perfecting my signature one-hand-on-hip, slight-head-tilt pose. But no one wants to spend their entire pregame waiting for you to finish taking “artsy” photos of the liquor bottles. No, we will not stop the cab so you can get a picture of the skyline. Leave the DSLR at home and then you can sit with us.
This is the girl who thinks she doesn’t need to pack anything and then borrows all your shit. I guess you can use my tanning oil, but I could have told you that having a base tan won’t make you impervious to sunburn. What’s that? You’ll need to share my iPhone charger for an entire week? And you left your credit cards, ID, and underwear at home? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize my spring break trip came with a nannying job. I should’ve just adopted an African baby.
We all know this betch: she loses her phone, gets her wallet stolen, and leaves with a rando guy before any of you have even gotten off the bathroom line. At home it’s okay because you’ve got her booty call’s number on speed dial as well as a check list of the places you’ll likely find her after 12am, but do you really want to be chasing this betch around an unknown city while you’re all blackout? It’s a bad remake of The Hangover waiting to happen. On the upside, it will make for great stories—that is, as long as she doesn’t end up like Natalee Holloway.
Look, If I wanted to get up at 8am to eat breakfast and then go visit the local rainforest and afterwards, go parasailing and then walk along the beach and get our hair braided, I would have gone on a cruise in 2004.
If any of these sounds like you, don’t worry, Spring Break is still a few weeks away, which should be enough time for a full personality overhaul.