The Five Stages of Your Last Weeks of College

By The Betches

You always knew this day would come. A couple of weeks ago your biggest concern was finding a bikini top that wouldn’t allow your boobs to fall out during SB. Now you’re back at school, your tequila hangover is going away, and you’re coming to the realization that you will soon have to become a “real person.” But I’m, like, soooo not ready!!

Here are the 5 stages of your last few weeks at college:

Stage 1: Panic

The panic stage is the fucking worst. Yay, adulthood! Not. Now you have to get a job. Oh wait, the economy sucks? Greattttt. All of your concerns will be made worse when you find out someone like Nerdy Nancy from down the hall got a job at Google. Fook Nancy! I can’t even.

Throughout the panic stage a betch is also bound to experience some depression and maybe an existential crisis or two. Maybe I should just go to grad school to postpone getting a job? But to study what? Ugghhh. I don’t want to study!!! When you hit this stage, it’s time to pop a xanny and calm the fuck down. You know what goes great with sadness? Margaritas.

Stage 2: Living it up

During this time a betch should drink every night and prepare to gain five pounds off vodka shots alone. It’s only considered alcoholism after college.

A crucial part of the “living it up” stage are end of the year celebrations. These vary based on where you go to school. For the Big Ten betch, the big ones to hit have always been Little 5 and what was once the Mifflin Street Block Party (R.I.P.). Southern betches look forward to events like UT’s Round Up and Vandy's Rites of Spring. The West Coast betch will hit up Isla Vista for Deltopia and black out on the beach. Last but not least, an East Coast betch can hit up UPenn’s Spring Fling if she wants to rage like an ivy leaguer. Overall, any spring event is a good excuse for a senior betch to black out, take pics, and make questionable decisions. Enjoy it while you can. Do this shit after graduation and you’ll be looking at a trip to Passages in Malibu.

Stage 3: Nostalgia

During the last few weeks everything is an excuse to get nostalgic. Last sorority chapter?? But I love being a bitch at chapter!! Sure you purposely arranged your schedule so you didn’t have to go, but when that last meeting comes it’s still, like, SO sad.

Stage 4: Pro-Status (AKA Finals Week)

This when a betch realizes she’s become, like, REALLY good at college. Don’t be surprised if you find that spring of senior year is when you get the best grades…and without any Asians taking notes for you! Yay! The irony is you finally earn your B.A. the minute you master B.S.-ing every one of your professors.

Stage 5: Graduation (AKA celebrating you)

You did it, betch! Graduation is non-stop about celebrating you. Any photo you post is looking AT LEAST 100 likes and, if you’re lucky, you can squeeze out some sort of European vacay from your parents because you’ve worked, like, SO hard. Enjoy this moment. There will never be a better time to brag about yourself.

So, betches, enjoy those last few weeks. The work never ends, but college does.




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