The Five Ways To Get A Hangover

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

The morning after a betch blacks out, she gets the morning after pill a hangover. A hungover betch is a betch at her worst, aka the only time you’ll catch her with fucked up hair and puffy eyes, not looking totally fab.

Just like each betch has a different drunk personality, when hungover a betch usually becomes one of 5 people.

The Denier

(While at brunch, recapping the night) “I don’t know what you guys are talking about, I really wasn’t that drunk last night.” “Bitch, you dry heaved for 30 minutes straight, then you passed out in VIP.” “Yeah, I mean, I was just really tired. I honestly wasn’t drunk though.” Note to the denier: if this is you, just stop. You aren’t going to lose your job, car, and trust fund just because you admit to your besties that you took a few too many shots last night. Own up to it and you’ll be way less annoying. Plus no one believes you anyway.

The Toilet Hugger

This betch spends the entire day running back and forth to the bathroom. Ew. Obv every once in a while a betch finds herself glued to the toilet the morning after drinking, but if this happens to you every single time you rage, it might be time to go to a doctor or an AA meeting.

The Betch Who Eats Everything

This betch restricts her portions all week with so much discipline, it would make Ghandi jealous, only to eat different variations of bread smothered in cheese after drinking. But like, the calories balance out right?

The Betch Who Doesn’t Eat Anything

Although some may think it’s impossible, this betch eats even less hungover than she does sober, for fear she’ll turn into hungover betch #2. If you even bring up brunch she’ll probably vom on impact, but like, she’ll come for the mimosas.

The Betch Who Doesn’t Get Hungover

This betch is a special unicorn and the envy of betches everywhere. You’ve spent many a night observing her in her natural habitat: going shot for shot with you and the rest of your besties, not drinking water, staying out until 5, and still not waking up with a headache or even slightly nauseous the next morning. How does she fucking do it?? My guess is she was bitten by a radioactive sober person once, thus giving her the super-human ability to never get a hangover. Otherwise, I got nothing.

Unless you’re #5 (lucky betch), my advice to you is when you feel the onset of that hangover, pop an Advil, buy some Gatorade (or coconut water if you’re Rihanna), and take a nap until at least 5pm. Everyone knows you can’t be hungover while you’re asleep. And if that doesn’t work, just start drinking again. Like Sheryl Crow says, the first drink is the hardest.




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