November 27, 2012
We all know/have one. Or two. Or seven. Whether it’s a republican senator’s son or the water polo goalie, they’re the guys who are down to fuck guys who are down to keep quiet. They’re the ones who think that just because they can wear a snapback and a neon frat tank, sucking dick doesn’t make them gay. Perfect for no strings attached sex, the closeted fuck buddy will ignore you in public and only communicate with you between the hours of 11pm and 3 am. If you get off on someone ironically calling you a “gay whore” or have a flair for taking secret blackmail photos, this is a relationship you can really get into. So while all of these homos may have one thing in common (worshiping dick), there are several distinct guys on the DL you need to look out for.
The Guy with the Clueless Girlfriend
This is the one who you see around campus desperately clinging to his girlfriend who mistakes this panicked clinging as an act of affection. His girlfriend will exist at either end of two extremes: anorexic, no boobs, dykey hipster OR huge tits, blonde hair, Juicy Couture. One allows him to at least pretend he’s with a guy (minus the vagina issue) and the other acts as a buffer against any gay rumors. Gay lingo lesson: some might call this a “beard.” The busty one will also be stupid enough to believe he can’t get it up because he has PTSD from his Dartmouth frat hazing. She’ll blame his atrocious oral skills on his public school sex education and whisper to her friends (you) about how hard it must have been growing up in such a poor area of the country.
The Quintessential Frat Guy
This is the one that every gay guy fantasizes about. He’ll most likely be incredibly concerned with his appearance, making several trips to the gym each day. Not only will he be ripped, but also he’ll be well groomed, probably do his eyebrows, and may be tan. While he isn’t playing pong or blasting music outside shirtless, he’ll probably be attracting the attention of the hottest betches. He’s the one they all gossip about only doing anal and from behind. He’ll most likely be openly homophobic and call all his frat bros “fags” and “pussies,” meanwhile you’re on his speed dial. I mean, there’s something kind of fun and sadomasochistic about fucking a homophobe though, right? The best part about this relationship is that he will literally NEVER acknowledge your presence outside of his bed where he continues the choke out the words “I’m not gay” while gagging on…his own tears.
The Guy Who's Fooling No One
Last but certainly most sad is the guy who is the only one in the entire world who believes he’s straight. He’ll have grown up in Greenwich or LA where he attended some prep school where his father looked on in disappointment as he maintained straight A’s and his virginity. Everyone will know you’re hooking up, and his friends will smile when he tells them he thinks a girl is cute. He’ll whisper about how he gets off on sneaking around with you, and you’ll roll your eyes and tweet pictures of him blowing you #whoops. When he eventually tries to come out to his friends by making out with you in public, he’ll get wasted and take them each aside and break down crying and each one of them will give him a quick hug and continue living their lives. Then he’ll want to date you, at which point you should probably stop talking to him.
Just some advice: treat the closeted fuck buddy as more of a hobby than a career. Otherwise you’ll have trouble maintaining your icy cold exterior which keeps you so attractive to all the men with fluid ambiguous sexuality. So next time you hear a frat boy waiting near the keg telling you to “pump it,” think about what he’s really asking you to do. Get get it.