June 25, 2012
For years us gay guys have been repressed. We've had to wear our silk scarves away from the harsh light of day and keep our signed Brian Littrell posters in our closets, away from judgmental, prying eyes. Thankfully, someone was able to invent a fool-proof gaydar and we no longer had to fill our heads mid-pedicure with questions about the sexual orientation of that cute boy at gym.
So who would finally be the one to officially revolutionize gaydar? In an unsurprising turn of events, it turned out to be the same company that made a product called the iPad. Clearly they too had issues with the vagina. But with the release of the white iPhone, gay politics were taken to a whole new level. Owning a white iPhone became the equivalent to tweeting a photo of yourself getting blown by a dude. Introducing the signs your phone might be gayer than you:
You’re on a plane and the guy next to you who looks like Jeffrey Dahmer keeps trying to talk to you about his children and wife. He’s super persistent and wants so bad for you to look at the hideous pictures of his obese, gap-toothed toddlers. You want to kick yourself for thinking it was soooo down to earth of you to fly commercial. Then, just as your desire for this guy to shut the fuck up so you can watch Black Swan begins to rival Natalie's urge to be the prima ballerina, something happens. Jeff whips out his white iPhone. Ah, another day, another desperate closeted gay man seeking your attention.
You’re at a dive bar with your Betch Besties and their Pro friends when one of them slides a white iPhone onto the bar. You turn to his streaky spray-tanned delusional girlfriend. So sorry babe, but I’m pretty sure I know why he hasn’t tried to have sex with you yet, other than the fact that you wear Curious by Britney Spears.
A fat gay pretends to make a phone call on his white iPhone while he smiles at you from across the cafe. You order an ice water and cup of cucumbers and send it to his table with a note: “Not in my lifetime. Enjoy the food.”
So now that we've nailed down where white iPhones can be seen in the real world, it's time to explore the reason behind their homo mystique. Why are iPhones so gay? Well they’re not really; just the white ones. It’s the illusion of having something that only the elite, stylish, and fuckable have. With a black iPhone: you’re sending business emails; with a white iPhone: you’re sexting your boss. I mean yeah you could read a book at Starbucks, or you could whip out your white iPhone and use it as a beacon to signal that no, you don’t care about the stock App, you’re tweeting about Andrew Garfield’s dick size.
White iPhones may be gayer than Dick Cheney’s daughter, but they also accessorize nicely. Nothing turns us on more than a quick bump off the back of one during the middle of Electric Zoo. Every true gay guy knows summer is all about white on white on white.