For the past couple months, everyone has been losing their shit over The Girl on the Train. The trailers looked creepy af and who doesn’t love Emily Blunt? So we all hit up Barnes & Noble and got the book so we wouldn’t seem like a total newb when our friends asked if we’d read it, and holy shit was it amazing. I went and saw the movie the second it came out Friday (obvi), and bad news. Shit was terrible. For the record, I am not a book-turned-movie hater. I wanna throat punch those annoying pretentious people. I usually fucking love the movie versions because everything happens a lot faster and instead of a bunch of crazy-long descriptions, I can just see shit. But like, this was real bad.
For those who didn’t read the book, stop reading this and go buy the fucking book. It’s a whodunit so you can read it in like 24 hours because you’ll just wanna know wtf is going on. If you see the movie first or finish reading this and spoil the big mystery, the book will be terrible too. If you decide to ignore me and keep reading anyway, just know there are spoilers in this so don't go batshit when I tell you who did it. This is your warning.
Rachel is a divorced alcoholic who rides the train to work everyday. So she’s like a blackout commuter betch. Anyway, she always watches this couple who lives in a house right on the tracks and they’re #RelationshipGoals. One day, Rach sees the wife, Megan, on her balcony making out with some rando and her idea of the perfect couple is ruined. Rachel goes into a drunken rage over this and wakes up the next day not knowing wtf she did last night because vodka. Been there, girl. Turns out, Megan went missing that same day so Rachel and the cops think she may or may not have had something to do with it. Megan ends up dead. Rachel’s ex husband Tom did it because he was having an affair with Megan and she got knocked up. Rachel and the ex’s new wife kill him because he fucking sucks. The end. There’s a lot more shit in there, but I have a life so that’ll do. You get the gist. Let’s get to my super important and legit opinions, shall we?
Emily Blunt is amazing. Her legit acting chops are definitely the only real highlight. I have this theory that Rachel is actually Emily from The Devil Wears Prada and Miranda finally got to her and she had a nervous breakdown and turned to alcohol so now she lives in the burbs by a different name. Def a possibility. But for real, I fucking love Emily Blunt and she can do no wrong in my eyes so points for that. If only John Krasinski had made an appearance.
They also handled the whole past-present thing pretty well. Bouncing between present day when everyone is trying to figure out where tf Megan is and the past when Megan is just hoeing around Hudson ain’t easy.
I’m about as far from a prude as you can be without starting a prostitution ring, but like, this movie seemed unnecessarily vulgar. Am I alone in this? Am I actually a prude? Idk. But watching full-on porn every other minute seemed like overkill. Dude, we get it. Everyone in this film is a whore. It was kinda like in fifth grade when you learned a new cuss word so you used it all the time to be cool, but you just looked like an idiot who didn’t know what “bitch” meant. I get if it’s like Fifty Shades of Grey and the whole thing is kinky sex and shit, but this book wasn’t like that at all. And the FSG movie was way tamer than this.
Holy shit, it was so boring. I literally thought it was never going to end. And the worst part is that they left shit out that would have made it somewhat interesting. First, they totally skimmed over the Megan-baby-bath tub-death situation. That shit was so key in the book. I mean, there was this huge buildup to Megan’s big secret and then BAM! She killed her baby on accident and now she’s a hollow shell of a person who has sex with anything that could poke you. This was just like “oh yeah I had a baby once and I loved her and then I fell asleep in the tub and yah it sucked.” They also just forgot the whole scene where Tom and Rachel meet up and he tells her to stay away and makes her think he’s still in love with her. And I fucking saw that part in a preview at some point. I know I did. Are you trying to mind fuck me rn, DreamWorks? Whatever. It was slow af.
I clearly fucking hated it, and I’m pissed because I was excited for weeks about going to see it. But just save two hours of your life and skip this one. Or sneak in some wine. Either works.