February 25, 2015
Every betch is always the most fabulous person in her family, unless of course she has a gay uncle. Betches love their guncles because they’re always more hammered, unfiltered and inappropriately hilarious than she is. In other words, guncles just make a betch look good.
The guncle is the self-proclaimed most important member of the family. If he isn’t the center of attention at any point during a family function, he’ll be sure to loudly discuss his thoughts on the waiter’s ass just to make your grandpa uncomfortable or recount a traumatizing childhood memory to the table that didn’t actually happen, because the guncle is notorious for #129 making shit up.
The guncle’s favorite pastime besides family gossip is getting fucked up so it goes without saying that you two are close. He was most likely the one that snuck you and your besties a glass of champagne at your bat mitzvah, and now he’s your go-to for tequila shots before Thanksgiving dinner.
He’s obsessed with giving you boy advice, whether or not you’re looking for it. Worst, he’s either always right or just comparing it to his own past failed lovers, always indicated by when his advice starts with the line: “Take it from me…” The guncle is the guaranteed best wingman, and his knack for making douchebags uncomfortable enough to over-compensate and give the illusion that they're uber chill with the gays is usually more entertaining than fruitful, but at least it relieved some of your boredom during the fam vaca.
The only problem with the Guncle is that all the fun doesn’t last forever because the second he gets partnered up all of a sudden he’s no longer bitching to your grandbetch that “there’s not even any gay bars near your retirement village” and rather starting to drink at 5 every afternoon instead of 2. At least there will always be the memories, and besides, two tame guncles might even be better than one.