December 19, 2014
Today is a dark day, one that will go down in infamy. In the same year that’s already given us similar watershed moments like the great Sriracha shortage, hackers bullying the American subsidiary of a Japanese media conglomerate into not releasing a terrible movie, and a Canadian pixie man making America’s sweetheart cry at a fun sleepover, tensions have come to a mortifying head:
Instagram has “purged” the accounts of dozens of celebrities, resulting in the loss of millions of followers. Insiders say a memorial is already in the works and will likely be erected atop New York’s current 9/11 Memorial which, according to one unnamed celeb, was “kind of a downer, anyway.”
Page Six reports that all users were the subject of the purge, not just celebrities (but those are the only ones anyone cares about, come on). The aim was to eliminate “spammy” accounts, which include those run by robots and fans-for-hire who follow a suspicious number of accounts but do very little Instagramming themselves.
As in most tragedies, celebrities are the real victims here.
iPhone game magnate Kim Kardashian was the hardest hit, losing an estimated 1.3 million followers. Rihanna was similarly persecuted, losing 1.2 million. A highly suspicious discrepancy was quickly revealed when Katy "Sugarplum fairy" Perry was found to have lost only about 300k. Representatives for Kardashian and Rihanna are raising allegations of racial discrimination.
“Ms. Perry has recorded songs with Kanye West, Snoop Dogg (né Lion) AND 2 Chainz, so these accusations are clearly without merit,” a spokesperson for Perry said in a statement.
Instagram followers are big business for celebs. Page Six claims stars can score as much as $100,000 for a sponsored instagram post, and followers play a big role in fee negotiations. “Denying brands access to millions of fake followers is exactly the kind of wealth re-distribution that got America into this mess in the first place,” said ESPN’s Darren Rovell.
Some stars fear that this is just the beginning, and called for fans to hold themselves accountable for their mistakes that lead to this massacre in the first place:
“We now know the real face of injustice, and our hearts go out to all those affected,” said the families of Eric Garner, Michael Brown and Tamir Rice in a joint statement.