August 5, 2014
As young betches, we are taught to literally look up to the supermodels/actresses/Beyonce we aspire to be. It doesn’t take long however, basically as soon as the flyers get separated from the bases, for us to realize that being tiny is where it’s fucking at.
Unlike the merely skinny, which anyone can become with enough fake dietary restrictions, tiny girls are part of an elite class that is born rather than made. This specific breed of betch comes in one size, XS, and the natural selection process is basically like the reverse NBA—you won’t really have a shot unless you’re 5’ 3” or under. It’s also important to note that you can't reap the full benefits of being tiny if you’re an immature dipshit. For example, short girls that wear Hello Kitty bows in their hair and talk in creepy baby voices when they’re 18…I’m beyond confused what the impetus behind this but just GFTO.
True tiny girls are like a smarter version of micro pigs: they know their small size makes them extremely desirable and that every guy secretly (or not so secretly) wants one. They’re hot AF and are always finding the best ways to accentuate how amazingly little they are, like growing their hair out super long (it’s full of secrets) and wearing oversized sunglasses. If you’re not aware already, this lifestyle has more benefits than your dad’s 401(k), so you might as well get on board with the fact that bigger was never actually better. “I wish I was less tiny!” said no betch ever because fucking duh.
Didn’t think people could fly? Wrong. Tiny betches can. Every second that a bro is in the presence of a tiny girl at a party he either wants to pick her up or fuck her or both at the same time. It’s only a matter of minutes before she’s effortlessly lifted onto the shoulders of some big frat dude and yelling, “Put me downnnn!” while expertly flipping her hair and ‘candid’ laughing for her next pro pic.
Tiny girls are especially attracted to aforementioned large frat dudes because they would never be caught dead dating a tiny bro. One reason for this is that it would mke her like, normal size. The other is that tiny guys usually have weird fucking body proportions because they work out too much and end up looking like some shit out of Aahh!!! Real Monsters.
The world has other not-so-subtle ways of reminding of tiny girls that they’re destined to rule the earth. Like this scenario:
It’s sorority rush and your recruitment chairs fucked up and the shirt sizes are all wrong; one of them makes an announcement mid-way through: “Can one of you (non-tiny) girls with a small give it to Becca? She NEEDS a small. I mean LOOK at her! She’s DROWNING in a medium, like someone literally needs to give her CPR right now.
Probably the best part of being tiny is the DGAF swag that comes with the territory. What these betches lack in size they more than make up for with their outgoing personalities incredible resting bitch faces, love of blacking out and a point to prove: that tiny girls can walk just as tall as the rest of us.
So, to all the tiny girls out there, we commend you. And if you’re not a tiny girl, you’re probably friends with one, so we commend you also. Just make sure not to stand directly next to her in pics, because you’ll end up looking like the fucking BFG.