February 21, 2014
With the end of the Winter Olympics just around the corner, each sport has had an opportunity to prove its betchiness to the world. The Winter Olympics in general are extremely betchy because, while any povo with a dream and some running shoes can become a track star, only betches can spend their childhood prepping for gold by wintering in Aspen. Here is a definitive ranking of the betchiness of the Winter Olympics' most popular sports, and before you start bitching about how your favorite sport isn't on here, chill. There are like a lot of sports in the Olympics and some of them are too fucking boring to write about. Get over it.
Most people are going to expect to see skiing in the top slot, but after much deliberation (aka thinking about this while smoking weed and watching House of Cards) Ice Dancing came out on top. Why? Because Ice Dancing is basically the betch life as a sport. Ice dancing betches wear lots of makeup, dress like a sluts, and spend all their time out dancing with their gay BFFs. Finally, this year besties Meryl Davis and Charlie White took home the gold for the U.S, and we all know that while betches love other countries as study abroad locations, the U.S is obvi #1.
We've already gone into the betchiness of skiing, but let's refresh. Betches love skiing because skiing is a sport that is exclusively for rich white people and its the only sport that is also an excuse to go on vaca. We really can't stress enough how much betches love skiing. Like, betches love skiing so much they rooted for the white people in Johnny Tsunami.
Alpine skiing is betchier than cross country or freestyle skiing because its old money. Seriously, Alpine skiing has been in the Olympics since like 1936 which means its old as fuck. Plus, this year's Women's Downhill made frenemy history by awarding Switzerland's Dominique Gisin and Slovenia's Tina Maze with a tie for gold. Those betches might have smiled and held hands on the podium, but we can only imagine that they would have tied for the gold medal in shit talking as soon as the cameras were off. Also, they did all of this while being hot as fuck. Well done, ladies.
We were surprised by the betchiness of the two-woman bobsled, mostly because we thought that out of respect for Cool Runnings only Jamaican people were allowed to compete. Bobsledding is betchy because you can do it with your bestie and all that is required is that you get to drive like an idiot. Also, you get to wear those really tight outfits so everyone will know how much your Barre classes are paying off. Bobsled only gets a bronze (aka basically not getting a medal) because bobsledders are generally less hot than Alpine Skiiers or Ice Dancers and, if Cool Runnings taught us anything, it's that poor people can actually pull together and really inspire the crowd in this sport which is fucking gross.
This year Canadian betches Kaillie Humpries and Heather Moyse took home the gold, but two sets of American bobsled besties took silver and bronze, teaching us the valuable lesson that if some other betch is gonna take your gold medal, you'd better make sure that you take all the medals from everybody else.
Curling takes the gold in being the least betchy sport in the winter Olympics because curling is universally recognized as an enormous joke. This year, the U.S didn't even place in Curling which is fine because American betches have better shit to do than sweep up an ice skating rink. Seriously, why the fuck would you play a sport that includes brooms? Are these people janitors by day and Olympians by night? If we wanted to watch people sweep shit up, we'd go see what our maid was up to.
As a rule, Betches only wanna see bros beating the shit out of each other if they're doing it because of her. Plus, betches cannot get into a sport where they players don't always have all of their teeth. It's just not possible.
As for women's Ice Hokey, we refuse to acknowledge it. But we will say that, honestly, big ups to all the Women's Ice Hockey players who overcame their asymmetrical faces and big bones to really made something of themselves. Seriously, you could have just become funny fat girls but now you're in the Olympics. Bravo. We probably would have just killed ourselves.
Girl snowboarders are almost exclusively Wannabe Guys' Girls, and while they have the potential to be hot, how hot can you really be in an outfit that was purchased exclusively at PacSun? As for male snowboarders, they also have the potential to be hot but we're just going to say right now that Shawn White is fucking ugly. Not ugly hot. Just ugly. Furthermore, his ginger ass couldn't even medal this year. Like seriously what is this dude even good for if he can't even win a fucking gold medal? We tolerated your disgusting hair and shitty brand of gum for years because you were supposed to win a gold medal. Now you're useless, and we're over it.
The betchiness of ski ballet is debatable because, on the one hand, it is the combination of the two betchiest sports (ice dancing and skiing), but on the other hand, it looks totally fucking ridiculous and was kicked out of the Olympics in the 80s for being lame as fuck. It also looks like prancercise.