The Official Betchiness Ranking of the Ivy League

By The Betches

As much as an Ivy League betch might deny it she knows and cares what the college rankings are. How else would she quantify how much better the college to which her parents donated a library is than the other ones? We know those of you in the Big 10 or whatever sports conference no one cares about want to have your colleges ranked also, but that's a post for the future because who's more competitive about rankings and scores than the students in Ivy League?

Since we know the fact-checking readers among you would flip out if we just threw the schools up there in the order we felt like, we created a scoring system based on the actual college ranking system, except instead of things like the 75th percentile of SAT scores we're including the things that betches actually care about such as how blackout people get on a regular basis.

These are our criteria and how we gave scores. The ideal betchy school would get an 80 and the winner got a 65. Shameful. We have a feeling they'd be more upset if this somehow factored into their GPA.

  • Exclusivity - Based on actual admissions selectivity. The most selective school got a 10, the second most selective a 9, etc.
  • Party school (compared to other Ivies) - Scored 1-10 on the ivy league standard of fun which is kind of like the Special Olympics of fun.
  • Hotness - Based on which we found thanks to Google. The hottest got a 10, the second hottest a 9, etc.
  • Not doing work - Scored 1-10 where a 10 means no one does work, classes are easy or pass/fail, a lot of grade inflation, easy requirements, etc.
  • Location - Scored 1-10 where 10 means better location (based on proximity to city, quality of city i.e. not in the ghetto, bumblefuck factor, and campus prettiness factor).
  • Quality of celebrity alumni/celebrity children - Scored 1-10 after we judged the Wikipedia pages of notable alumni and students.
  • Ranking by U.S. News and Nicegirls - Based on the actual US News rankings where 10 means best ranking, 9 is second best, etc.
  • Greek life - Scored 1-10 where 10 means good greek life or equivalent (i.e., eating clubs and final clubs)

8. Dartmouth

Despite its mascot, the Big Green, obviously being named after a marijuana leaf, Dartmouth sadly comes in last in the betchiness ranking. Sure they have a decent greek row but that's about it. I think of Dartmouth like I think of Wyoming: never. 

7. Cornell

Given that Cornell is part-state school, not selective whatsoever, located in the tundra, and hides its soul crushing academic pressure behind fences, it somehow managed to not be the least betchy. Maybe because no matter how many frats they try to kick off, it takes time to get through all 47. Congrats Cornell, finally an Ivy ranking where you're not dead last.

6. Brown

We're truly as shocked as the next betch that Brown wasn't last. We thought all the hipsters, poets, and bearded ladies would bring it down but no, the celebrity alumni crew and pass/fail classes and the fact that Summer Roberts went and Serena van der Woodsen once pretended she wanted to go here helped overcome that.

5. Yale

Yale is like full of all these child prodigies which is pretty cool but also kind of overachieverish. Ugh New Haven. On the other hand, Meryl Streep went here. 

4. Columbia

Even though Columbia is basically in the bumblefuck of Manhattan, it's the only Ivy and also the only really good school in NYC assuming you don't want to risk being turned over to the dark side of NYU alternativism. Columbia somehow manages to have a campus on the edge of Harlem and I barely even hear about drunk sorority girls going missing. Thanks Giuliani.

3. Princeton 

Princeton is where WASBs go to compare Lilly Pulitzer sundresses and meet investment bankers. Not only do they have sororities but also co-ed eating clubs (we obviously prefer they be called 'not eating clubs') where a nice girl is as likely to be admitted as Hitler is to heaven.

2. Penn

The only legitimate party school among the Ivies, Penn's favoritism towards legacies and number of good sororities and frats helps it overcome its shortcomings, such as its location in the line of fire of West Philadelphia gun violence. Then again, having gangsters next door means it's probably really easy to get coke. You win some you lose some. Also, regarding 34th Street shoutouts: I haven't seen such amazing school-sanctioned shit-talking since rush was invented.

1. Harvard

For anyone who wants to argue that Harvard can't be the betchiest because it's full of Mark Zuckerbergs and library-sleeping Asians, honestly ask yourself that if you got into Harvard would you go anywhere else? Probably not, it's Harvard, your dad worked hard to get you in. Also, besides being Harvard, it's in a legitimate city, and not even in the unsafe part like Columbia and Penn. Other than that, the extreme grade inflation ensures that you'll never have to work a day in your life and can continue spending your time not fucking bros in the final club libraries, where you might risk breaking a 300-year-old door knob. 




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