November 10, 2014
So unless you don’t have access to the Internet or live in a city devoid of teenage girls, you probably already know that the new One Direction album leaked last Friday. And it was fucking mayhem. Four (cool name, guys) wasn’t set to release until November 17th, but obviously that’s a joke because nothing is thirstier or more dedicated than a One Direction fan. These bitches have hacked into airport security to watch Harry Styles sleep in a terminal before. Don’t fuck with them.
Unlike the last two times One Direction albums have leaked (seriously, this has happened twice already) this was one giant piracy shit show. Apparently a store in Brazil got confused and sold the album early (good news for One Direction fans), but no one in Brazil knows how to use a fucking computer (super bad news for the rest of the world). I guess the land that breeds super models can't be smart too.
Some confused Brazilian girl with a Speak ’n’ Spell from 1987 decided to upload pre-historic quality versions of the album, while she sang over the audio like she was a bottle and a half deep at karaoke night. Needless to say, the Internet was pissed.
Eventually someone flew down to Brazil and taught the entire country how to upload a fucking CD real quick, and the rest is history. If I were someone who did things like illegally download leaked One Direction albums I could tell you that this is light-years from the sugar pop days of the past. If you’re looking for more songs to add to your blackout boy band playlist, you’re out of luck. But, if you’re planning a road trip with your besties and need a soundtrack to play in the background while you take pictures of you looking young, hot and carefree, well then maybe you should check out Four. The download link isn’t that hard to find.
Or you could like, wait till the 17th. Whatever.