The Patriots Are in Trouble for Squeezing Balls

By LaBetch James

Guess what? The New England Patriots got caught cheating. Again.

Don't worry, Tom Brady and his beautiful entourage will still be in the Super Bowl. But the NFL will probably have a pretty severe punishment for the latest controversy to take the NFL by storm.

The Patriots deflated eleven of their twelve balls on Sunday in their AFC Championship game against the Colts. Deflation makes balls easier for Tom "Perfect Human" Brady to throw, and his chosen receivers to catch. So, obviously because it's a game and games are supposed to be hard, the Patriots weren't supposed to deflate those balls. But they did anyway because they're the New England Patriots and the amount of fucks given hovers around zero.

Twitter decided to label this morally reprehensible scandal #DeflateGate, because of course it makes sense to compare squeezing balls to one of the greatest political scandals of the 20th century. And people are pissed. Calling for Bill Belichick to get fired, or Tom Brady to just start modelling full time.

Adding a little more controversy to this exhilarating drama: supposedly the NFL knew of the Patriots cheating before this game, but did not act on their knowledge. I don't want to start any rumors, but here's a theory...could Tom Brady be sleeping with one of the old men who works for the NFL to get away with all of this deception?

With the Super Bowl only a little more than a week away, the Patriots will still take their place in Arizona. But will they be able to play with their balls? Only time will tell.




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