July 16, 2012
While our previous posts in this series of stoner musings have thus far consisted of things you do-do while under the influence of marijuana, because stoners are generally invincible creatures, this list is in stark contrast. What you’re about to read can serve as somewhat of a guide as to which situations to avoid while high. But unfortunately because you’re high all the time, facing them is just fucking inevitable. We present to you a top 10 list of things that you cannot do whilst blazed.
10. Not laugh in serious situations: Stoners know it’s always a risky move to go somewhere it's not acceptable to laugh because let’s be real, you will fucking laugh. Getting scolded by a professor in the middle of lecture, at the court hearing for the DUI you got when you were 16, while watching I Am Sam, Grandma’s wake, whatever. You will laugh… and then cry because you’re so creeped out.
9. Converse with anyone outside of your immediate social circle: So you’re freshly stoned in line at Starbs when you realize you’re standing behind your second grade piano instructor. You think about booking it but you’re too high to move beyond the four steps required to make it to the register. So you take a deep breath and wait for the severe annoyance that is a stop-and-chat with an acquaintance/adult/someone you need to "catch up" with. Remember in this situation under no circumstances should you take your sunglasses off, be vague and only speak when spoken to. No I actually stopped playing twelve years ago…
8. Navigate store aisles/corridors: Narrow passageway conduct is something that would never phase you until you’ve just smoked a J because it'll be sooo much easier to run my errands if I'm high!! Suddenly the aisles of CVS appear as a labyrinth more baffling than the fucking Manhattan subway. For example if there is a stroller located in the middle of aisle 9, you will be stricken with immediate panic: do you try and sidestep the situation and push through? Do you walk all the way around and go at it from the back end? How long have I been standing here trying to make this decision?
7. Parallel park: This is one of the most inevitable and frequent stoner conundrums, especially if you live in a major city that isn’t New York. If you are required to parallel park, it is perfectly acceptable to have your bestie get out of the car and stand on the sidewalk as she directs you how to turn your steering wheel. Or if you’re really fucking stoned, it is totally fine for you and the person riding shotgun to get out in the middle of the street and switch positions so they can finish the job for you. Betches already drive like fucking idiots so once we smoke we seriously like might as well be Asian.
6. One on one appointments: Whether it’s a cut and color, an office hours appointment, or a gynecological visit, being high for one on one meetings just fucking sucks. These require you to be engaged, overly polite, and actually listen and respond to words coming out of someone else’s mouth, aka the exact opposite of your blazed inclination to lie down and stare at the freckle on your knee. Sidenote: NEVER get high before the dentist. There is nothing worse than holding open your already cottoned mouth for a fucking hour whilst a middle aged Jew prods at it with terrifying tiny swords.
5. Compose a text: It will literally take an hour to text a one word response because of how easily you are distracted by anything else you're doing. When you finally do complete the text it will probably seem like it was created by someone with aspergers due to the inappropriate exclamation points and/or uncalled for “haha” in response to someone’s gang bang confession.
4. Going through airport security: Ever since 9/11 airport security is more anxiety inducing than the ending of Inception or like Facebook. If you were worried about the cashier weighing your froyo knowing that you’re high, wait til you get pulled out of line and have a stethoscope shoved up your ass by a TSA woman so butch you swear it's Rosie O’Donnell.
3. Look up anything on Web MD: This isn't a task that's so much impossible as much as a fucking horrible idea. Seriously. Whatever you think you’re going to get out of it you are absolutely wrong. Within 30 seconds you’ll start to experience symptoms of Ganges disease. After one minute you will be convinced that you have every virus and infection that has ever existed. After two minutes you’ll conclude that you’ve already died and now you’re just a ghost who’s super fucking high and totally freaking out about the fact that you’re dead. For real, Web MD: steer fucking clear.
2. Math: By far the most self-explanatory item on the list. Unless you’re lucky enough to have a TAB around, be prepared to dedicate at least an hour to all number related activities. Figuring out tips, dividing an eighth between 4.5 people, knowing what the fuck comes after 9. Seriously impossible tasks.
1. Making decisions: Whether it’s deciding on a movie to watch, choosing where to get food, or just figuring out the next place to drive to smoke more, making decisions when high is an excruciating task. Betches are naturally indecisive because making decision requires thought and, obviously, we tend to not give a shit. But making decisions when high is a different fucking animal. There is just so much to take into account: What am I in the mood for? What movie will provide the best conversation starter at the bar tonight? Which food will be the least unpleasant to vom in an hour? Honestly, we get that Sophie’s Choice was probably a tough decision or whatever but seriously, they should have just had her take a few bong rips and force her to choose between Family Guy and South Park. Good fucking luck betch.