The Stoner Series: How To Pretend You're Not High When You Are

By The Betches

Being a pothead of Rihanna proportions it's inevitable that people will know about it. Usually this is nothing to be ashamed of, but you know you're this person when you find people will ask you at any time, day or night, "are you high right now?" Whether it was the result of you saying something a little weird or simply that you expressed interest in eating today, the answer is usually a resounding fuck yes.

And while this isn't weird to us, it is to some people. Apparently because weed is technically an illegal drug as well as a mind-altering substance, it's not considered okay to be stoned in certain situations, however rare. Whether it's an appointment with your academic advisor to make sure you're #45 graduating on time or a Thanksgiving dinner with your straight edge side of the family, it's important to know the best strategies for fooling people into thinking you're not high when, as a living breathing human, you obviously are.

Get the right equipment: Eyedrops, sunglasses, gum, and an iced coffee to ward off cotton mouth. Also if you have an adderall prescription, and every stoner should, definitely pop one or two to curb your aggressive hunger and silence.

Pretend to be on the phone: In case of emergency aka seeing someone you know in public, you should obviously just take a page from what normal people do and pretend to be texting furiously or on a very important phone call. Sober people, they're just like us.

Speak only when spoken to: Let's say you're at a work meeting or have like a really important pregame where you can't avoid social contact. The easiest way to blow up your own spot is to openly muse about random thoughts in your head aloud. It's the verbal equivalent of not using eyedrops in that you might as well walk around with an "I'm stoned" sign. Just believe us when we say no one will appreciate your highdeas as much as you do. Don't let them kill your daydreams.

Be high always: This, obviously, is the only surefire way to eliminate any difference between your high and not-high self. Just think of it like being super tan from going on vaca all the time, no one ever has to see your true colors: green, fucking duh.




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