The Stoner Series: Stoner Essentials

By The Betches

October 9, 2012

As we all know, stoners are a very driven and conscientious bunch, and like all powerful people, we’d be nothing without our resources. To delve into all the ways we remain on top high, we've broken down Stoners' Favorite Things. Here we have the stoner essentials:

Sunglasses: Ray-Ban should personally thank potheads considering we're responsible for roughly 75 percent of their sales. This may sound like an exaggeration, until you consider how often we lose shit and need replacement pairs. They say a stoner buys Ray-Bans every 6 seconds. We love sunglasses for obvious reasons. Not only do they give the fuck-off vibe so no one tries to stop and chat us, but they also cover up the fact that our eyes are red as the devil’s dick. However, if you walk up to the Starb’s counter and accidentally address the cashier as “mom” you probably let the cat out of the bag on that one anyway.

Eyedrops: For those times when sunglasses aren’t appropriate, such as a job interview or like, at night, this is the next best option. Just make sure not to use too much or you’ll show up somewhere with your eyelashes all stuck together and looking like you just got dumped via post-it.

Field trip kit: Also known as a travel sack or your On The Road essentials, this is the stoner’s bag of tricks for whenever they leave the house. It includes a small piece (usually a chillem or batty), a lighter, a bobby pin for clearing the piece, and obviously a bag of weed usually contained in an Altoid tin or chic pill box. So discrete. As we know, just because you’re high when you go out doesn’t mean you’ll be high an hour from now (unless you took an edible, in which case see you tomorrow). Like if there's an emergency situation such as an impromptu decision to see a movie or a flashmob breakout on the street, for which you obviously must be high, it is imperative that you always have a way to get stoned at a moment's notice. I mean, does the president leave the house without his nuclear football? Don’t fuck around with sobriety, be safe and carry a first aid kit at all times.

Chapstick: Nothing kills a high more than chapped lips. Rather than enjoying yourself, all you can think about is how the desert has decided to relocate to your mouth. To prevent this, always have a tube within reach, but as courtesy to the rest of the group do NOT apply heavily before sharing an apparatus. As we’ve already pointed out, nothing is more unpleasant than a J freshly moistened with hand-me-down blistex.

Mini perfume: You could do all the right things to make sure your professor doesn’t know you’re high, but unfortunately, people can still smell. If you walk into lecture and you reek of the ganj, it won’t matter how many participation points you earn that day, everyone will know the source of your sudden insight. This is why it’s vital for stoners to always have a small perfume on hand to be ferociously applied before exiting the smoking quarters. Sure you might arrive at your next destination smelling like the Dior counter, but at least your high will go undetected by the sober girl sitting next to you in class.

Headphones: As we know, being high makes you much more pensive and like, deep. Headphones are an absolute must if you want any chance of tuning out your surroundings entirely. Walking down the street alone when you’re freshly stoned can be extremely boring and/or cumbersome. But plug in your favorite blazed playlist and suddenly your life is a movie and you are obviously the fucking star. 

Beverage: We don’t need to describe the horror that is cottonmouth because as a stoner, it's probably happening to you right now. We always tend to underestimate its strength before smoking but as soon as we’re high we remember just how cruel a demon really is. The only salvage is any sort of beverage, so make sure to have one on hand before you start blazing. God forbid you have to get up and grab one.







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