June 25, 2012
I think we can all agree that every betch has a little stoner in her. Whether you’re the one who only smokes with your besties in non-social settings, the one who’s down for a bowl when suggested (I mean, she smokes but she doesn’t smoke…), or the one who falls asleep with a joint in her mouth only to wake up the next morning and continue smoking it like nothing happened, you love being high and the activities that come along with it.
So to honor of this essential part of a betch’s life, we smoked a fat blunt and compiled a series of Top 10 lists of shit every betch does when she’s high, because making lists is included in that list of things. Spark up your j's and welcome to the Stoner Series.
Obvs there a fucking plethora of bizarre things betches do while on the reefer, but one of the most popular areas of stoner interest is watching shit. The majority of the movies/shows/documentaries a betch watches when she’s blazed are completely weird as fuck and would never constitute a good time unless she had just smoked the weight of a newborn.
With that, here's our first list of 10 classic things to watch while you're high.
10. Discovery/History Channel: Ancient Aliens, Cash Cab, Myth Busters, or any random documentaries about Nostradamus, the Illuminati, or like, Indian folklore. This is the fertility vase of the Undabelly Tribe. Does that mean anything to you?
9. Mario Kart: After you’ve gotten the boys down the hall to plug in this obscure machine from the 90’s, a joint later you turn into the skinnier, long-haired version of Ricky Bobby. Smoke-and-drive has an entire new connotation once you’re stoned with a controller in your hand. Beware of the upside-down question mark boxes… Studies show they look the exact same as the good ones when marijuana’s in your system.
8. Serious movies directed by legit people: ...if you can stay awake. For the pseudo intellectual betch, serious movies that make you "think" or have won Oscars are the perfect way to guarantee at least some brain activity amidst being constantly blazed. This category includes shit like Fight Club, Inception, Factory Girl, American Beauty, anything by Aronofsky or Tarantino. Such visionaries. Then afterwards you and your besties can have an analytical discussion about how you just got mindfucked by a TV.
7. Food shows: Chopped, Last Cake Standing, Top Chef, Iron Chef (the special battles!), Diners Drive-ins and Dives, Unwrapped… I mean, by the eleventh bowl every betch is DTF Bobby Flay. These shows are the best way to enjoy food without actually eating, and can give you material to discuss with foodies. Umami...it's the fifth taste.
6. Infomercials: No one ever watches infomercials on purpose, but when it's too big a task to reach the remote beneath your ass, anything goes. That is, until a Japanese body pillow arrives at your door and you have no idea where the fuck it came from.
5. Cops/Maury/white trash shit: definitely the only time in your life in which you’ll be happy to hear the words “Jamaltayniqua-Sean, you ARE the father!”
4. Murder mysteries/conspiracy theory videos: Every true stoner has found herself lost in a labyrinth of conspiratorial wikipedia articles at one time or another. Documentaries are even better because you don't have to read them. Remember to STFU about this in public. No one wants to spend the pregame listening to your mini freak out “you guys, you can SEE the explosion before the plane hit the building!!!!!”
3. Actually funny movies: In this category we're talking about things like Grandma's Boy, Old School, Fear and Loathing, Half Baked, Euro/Road Trip, Judd Apatow's entire body of work, etc. These movies were intended by their directors to only be viewed after smoking, so you basically can't go wrong. After all, you are both a) their target audience and b) freshly stoned.
2. Cartoons/Disney & Pixar movies/anything from your childhood: Not to be confused with Family Guy or South Park which are real human person entertainment. Cartoons remind us of our childhood, if we had spent it smoking an eighth a day. Some favorites include Finding Nemo, Hey Arnold, The Lion King, Monsters Inc, Doug, Toy Stories 1, 2, and 3, the Brady Bunch.
1. Planet Earth: This is the quintessential example of shit you would never fucking dream of watching sober but instantly turns amazing when high. If you've never dabbled in Planet Earth then every actual stoner knows the truth about you: you are not a stoner.