July 11, 2012
Welcome back you fucking potheads! This week in smokenomics we discuss the most pivotal cornerstone of marijuana users far and wide: high thoughts. Naturally, betches are perceptive as fuck however once we get high our thoughts become so complex and elaborate, that we often confuse ourselves in what the fuck we were even thinking about…but regardless, we honestly don’t think it’s a stretch to liken ourselves to Plato. The limit to topics as well as the enlightenment are truly boundless; and by boundless we mean until our weed runs out. We introduce to you our next Top 10 list in our series of ongoing Top 10 lists: Stoned Topics of Conversation.
10. How did people discover drugs and alcohol? How many Native Americans died in the process of finding out which plants got you fucked up? How did they think to make a drink that got you fucked up? Were calories non-existent during the process of creating the first beer, and who the hell drank that shit? Was it as bad as Keystone? How did the Pilgrims know fungus on wild mushrooms got you fucked up? Like that whole Salem Witch Trial thing was clearly a result of people tripping balls off the mold growing on their bread. But hey we all know that’s what happens when you get fucked up: there’s a price to pay, except today it’s just a cracked iPhone.
9. Reminiscing via back stalk: looking at old FB pics, message history and conversations, realizing how fucking WEIRD you were…the good ol’ days of going to town pools, playing are you nervous at recess, rocking out to Sugar Ray, shit you would never do now that you did when you were like 14, first times getting high, dumb shit you used to do.
8. Predictions about the future/the end of the world: Can you imagine when we actually have to start WORKING…?! Usually this shit turns into the stoned version of high school superlatives between your group of friends: Most likely to marry an investment banker? Most likely to be have ginger babies? Most likely to become a meth head? Most likely to get hammered at a wedding and fuck the priest? What if the world really is ending in 2012…Like, what (who/which drugs) would you do with your last days? What if Xenon was a sign from the government? And The Xequel was just like reiteration because no one picked up on it? Is that why Obama cancelled NASA because we needed to focus more on post-world escapes?
7. Conspiracy theories: Stoners love a good fucking conspiracy. What happened to Amelia Earhart? Did we really land on the moon? What if that video was just an old school version of The Hills, where in the last episode the set drops behind Brody Jenner Armstrong, but they just ran out of studio time because Friends had to start filming? Where is Area 51 and what in God’s name are they hiding there, George W Bush’s dignity? Chaz Bono’s testicles? Who in their right mind would shoot JFK, he was like the hottest president in history? Is OJ innocent? Why is The Bermuda Triangle so fucking scary? Seriously, where the fuck is Amelia Earhart?
6. Dead musicians/celebs: Members of the Forever 27 club (consisting of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison…Lindz Lo within the next 20 months). WHY the number 27? Notice how they all had relatively normal first names? Is that why celebs now name their kids weird shit to avoid them joining the 27 club? Tupac is totally still alive…Why do famous people always just like, die more than normal people? Am I a reincarnation of Whitney Houston?
5. What was life like without technology? Let’s be real, who hasn’t thought about how the FUCK our parents survived daily life without like, Twitter. We assume tweeting is the modern day bathroom stall writing… and the only way for people to favorite or @respond was to write back under it and jot a simple “Amen sista” with an arrow or some shit. How did they communicate without cell phones? Like, did they just have to assume everyone was going be in the same park at the same time climbing the most popular trees? What did people do before we all walked around with screens in our pockets?? And how the FUCK did our founding fathers write a whole constitution without 21 inch Macbook pros?!
4. The universe: How did it start? When does it end? How far could you keep going? How many miles high is where the sky ends and space begins? Life on other planets? Parallel universes? If I lived in a parallel universe would I be black? Am I lowkey Pluto’s version of Blake Lively? What is dejavu? What is the frequency of the world on? Wtf even is world frequency? Do twins really have ESPN or something? Is there an afterlife? Is my cat Abraham Lincoln reincarnated? Are we moving through space or is space moving around us? Why do Madonna’s arms look like that? Do we even matter? Is earth really a marble on Orion’s collar?!?
3. Feeling bad about shit: While betches are seldom remorseful, we become increasingly sensitive the higher we get. And with that, we often start to feel bad about shit. Maybe it’s the admittance to your stoned self that you’ve been doing too much coke as is clear by the residue beneath your nostril right now. Or perhaps the epiphany that you need to be nicer to your mom, to whom you texted “please shut the fuck up and pop a xany” less than 5 minutes ago. Feeling bad while high is a common occurrence but don’t let it actually affect your behavior. Knowing you have flaws is one thing, but acknowledging and acting upon them is another. Change is for the poor.
2. Religion: This does not mean a fucking exploration into the Quran. Obviously when sober, betches could give two shits about religion (other than the spiritual awakenings we have at YSL sample sales). But once stoned, religion suddenly becomes like, really interesting. And we delve fucking deep, the existence of God is just the tip of the blunt. What if all the prophets were schizophrenic and Moses hallucinated one of his other personalities and mistook it for God? What if God just got super blazed one day and accidentally made Adam and Eve when he really meant to make like, a hot pocket? Jesus is totally the spawn of a mega bro, hence the daddy issues... These are the religious ponderings of stoners. We don’t waste our high contemplating our sins because in reality, nicegirls go to heaven, betches go to Bergdorfs.
1. What if your life is The Truman show?: This Jim Carrey tour de force changed the course of stoner dialogue forever. It's definitely a favorite to watch while high, but it's a double edged sword. The moment it’s over you will begin to question if every person you’ve ever known, cared for or loved is really an actor being paid to manipulate your life for entertainment. And it won’t stop there. The more you smoke the more you’ll start to think that each occurrence in your life, from the rain preventing your tan, to the line at Starbs is part of an intricate plot to fuck your life up. In fact you’ll probably start blaming your behavior on this (it’s not my fault the teacher gave me a D, it’s fucking sweeps!!). And the worst part about it is when you ask your friends or even mention the idea to them, their attempts at convincing you otherwise just remind you of Truman’s BFF telling him the same thing… “But that’s what you’re supposed to say!” But hey if it does turn out that your life is really the world’s biggest reality show, look on the bright side. You’re fucking famous betch.