January 10, 2013
High there stoner betches. It's 2013 which means that we're inevitably one year closer to legal marijuana for all and consequently a utopian world. Duh, because stoner betches are perfect specimens, except when we're not (high). Anyway, to address our rare shortcomings we've already talked about the things you can't and should never attempt to do while high, but aside from that, we typically embody the
human stoner ideal. Now while most people start their year with resolutions, we don't really see the point. However we'll come as close to that as possible and dedicate this post to all the faux pas a stoner betch might commit but can easily blame on being OMG, sooo high.
10. Eating: Even though eating is a total amateur move, every stoner betch has let the munchies get the best of her at some point. Look on the bright side, if you're going to eat, by being high you at least get the benefit of maximum deliciousness.
9. Not paying attention to whatever you're watching because you're on your phone: Sure you were thrilled when you noticed you could relax this Sunday morning with an SVU marathon, but the second you take your first hungover hit and catch a glimpse of your iPhone it's all over. Checking and re-checking instagram, facebook and twitter in a continuous rotation is a vicious cycle and hard enough to break when you're sober, but when you're high it's literally mission impossible 5. Next thing you know SVU's over..not the episode, the marathon.
8. Forgetting what you were just talking about: And then you and your bestie will like hilariously attempt to trace the convo back to its inception. Seriously, how the fuck did we go from talking about last night's pregame, to Woody Allen?
7. Accidentally (or not) watching an infomercial: The remote could be literally in the palm of your hand but why would you let go of such a good thing? You've been invested in watching the benefits of the FitMasterSlim 3000X Machine for like a whole 22 minutes now and are totally convinced that you too could lose 72 pounds in 3 months if you just call the number on your screen. Ugh I can't even change the channel, how will I dial a phone?
6. Texting the (wrong) word you're thinking of: Every stoner betch knows how easy it is to go from "What time is brunch?" to "What time is chapstick?" Classic mixup. Seriously where the fuck is autocorrect at times like this.
5. Hanging up a phone call with 'love you' to inappropriate people: You were just casually confirming your doctor's appointment and about to say goodbye and be free of this miserable phone call when you hear yourself speak and instead of saying "k thanks, bye" you say "k bye, love you." It's like calling your teacher "mom" in first grade, totally fucking embarrassing. Whatevs, better your doctor experience this high faux pas than any asshole you've ever hooked up with.
4. Misplacing things in your hands/pockets: Whether it's your lighter, the rest of your weed, or realizing that the sunglasses you've been missing for the entire past half hour (like, three minutes) have been on your head the whole time. Non-stoners might say this is pathetic and laughable, we say we're just better prepared for old age.
3. Having issues with paying for shit: Maybe you just swiped your license instead of your credit card or handed the cashier a hundred dollar bill for your 4-dollar iced coffee and forgot to drop the obligatory Oops sorry, can you break this!? Honestly, there's just something about money that's fucking mystifying when you're high. If you're high right now, seriously think how random it is that people will give you the shit you want if you give them a piece of paper with numbers on it. Anyway, between the swiping, signing, and potentially even being handed coins and a receipt (no fucking thank you), monetary transactions are a huge unforeseen consequence of leaving your couch. You think the government has fiscal problems, try splitting a Celine bag on three of your parents credit cards when you're high.
2. Thinking things are funny that aren't: This can definitely get a stoner betch in trouble depending on how sick her unfiltered sense of humor is. Usually this type of fuck-up manifests itself in some sort of Larry David-esque manner where you find something either extremely inappropriate or only mildly funny to be fucking hilarious, and then go tell everyone who will and won't listen. Just thinking about this thing will make you spontaneously burst into laughter and next thing you know people are calling you Kim Richards and asking if you found yourself yet. Speaking of finding yourself...
1. Getting lost, physically and mentally - Maybe you just picked up the wrong friend on your way to...wait, where am I going? What movie are we seeing?