July 31, 2012
Obviously, stoners are much more chill than your average betch. This is partially because we are just more lax people in general, but it's mostly due to the fact that we are far too high to get riled up about anything. Naturally our largest pet peeves in life revolve around the most pivotal part of our existence: marijuana. With that, we present to you the few things in the world that have the potential to invoke any sort of emotional distress from within, even in our most dazed of states: our biggest stoner circle pet peeves.
10. When people don’t corner the bowl: This is refined smoker etiquette but should not be overlooked. It is courtesy, especially if you are smoking in a group of 3 or more, to only hold the lighter over the corner of the bowl as you hit it, so that those following you can also smoke fresh greens opposed to your booted aftermath. Don’t be the Jessica Simpson of smoking and hog the whole fucking thing.
9. The person who N-lips the piece and/or puts on chapstick right before smoking: Because everyone loves a cherry flavored j moistened with your second hand minty blistex. Seriously nothing puts a literal damper on the smoking process more than placing the blunt to your lips and experiencing more moistness than K Stew’s vagina. Also, that awkward moment when you're handed a wet blunt, and you get blunt juice on your lips or teeth and don't notice, but it's everywhere. Seriously, there’s a reason no one wants to smoke with Lisa Rinna.
8. The girl who needs you to light it for her: After she makes a few sad attempts at lighting her thumb ablaze, the girl who can't light the bowl will pathetically whine, waittt can one of you like, help me light itttt? You should agree to this but know that you forever reserve the right to call her out for her deficiencies.
7. A rushed blazing process: Whether you’re smoking between classes, trying to hotbox your sister’s room before she comes home, or simply being rushed by your annoying friend so you can get to the next activity, being hurried while blazing is as frustrating as it is heart wrenching. Being prohibited from fully enjoying the smoking process is like stopping peeing halfway through or pausing sex to watch Two and a Half Men.
6. The person who reveals they are recovering from long-term mono after sharing an entire blunt with you: The only thing worse than this is someone’s revelation to the rest of the group that they suffer from oral herpes. Keep your contagion off my fucking blunt.
5. The girl who can’t stop coughing: A few chesty coughs is the sign of a bong well ripped, but when it starts sounding like a person has terminal smoker's asthma this shit gets annoying. I think I have the black lung Pop!
4. The person who continually messes up the smoking order: There’s always the idiot who insists on passing the piece to their left when we are passing it TO THE FUCKING RIGHT. It’s the circle of life, and it moves in ONE FUCKING DIRECTION.
3. Ash-related party fouls: There are soo many ways to fuck up when it comes to ash. From not ashing the blunt for too long so a fat blob lands on your lap, hitting the slide against the coffee table to clear it out and then breaking it, burning a hole in any couch/sheet/car roof, losing the joint whether it be in between the seats of the car, through the decks on your patio, or dropping it in a cup full of water or the hot tub. Smoking party fouls obviously increase the higher we get but unfortunately, just like STDs, there is no way to fully prevent them other than abstinence. Pass...the blunt.
2. The paranoid smoker: Like the hurried smoker, this is the bitch who thinks it’s necessary to keep surveillance watch while hotboxing, who refuses to go into the restaurant because we smell like weed, who won’t stop shushing while we smoke in the park because “they’re gonna call the cops!!” The paranoid smoker has the ability to ruin a smoke sesh unlike any other because, like laughing and munchies, paranoia when smoking is contagious. It only takes one false alarm siren on the radio to stop everyone’s heart and decide to “put the piece in the dash. Just for a sec…”
1. The person who holds the blunt hostage while they tell a fucking story: Though nearly every stoner has been guilty of this on multiple occasions, it is by far THE MOST ANNOYING aspect of blazing in a group. And unfortunately, as the session wears on, it occurs with more and more frequency because everyone gets high and doesn’t realize they’re doing it. After 30 seconds of this bullshit, it becomes the responsibility of the rest of the group to get the rotation back in motion and tell this bitch to stfu. Hopefully, the accused feels instantly ashamed of their retardation and will therefore learn their lesson to smoke before they fucking speak.