August 13, 2012
Contrary to popular belief, the life of a stoner is not always a breeze. Sure our responsibilities are primarily limited to figuring out what to watch after the 9-hour America’s Next Top Model marathon ends, but just like any minority, we face life altering hardships on a daily basis. Such problems test a pothead’s true strength and heart. Like a million pop stars have sang, what doesn't kill your high makes you stronger. We present to you the most common stoner dilemmas.
10. Being low on lighter fluid: We’ve already discussed our complex relationship with lighters, and this dilemma fits right in with the disdain and heartbreak that they bring about. Utilizing a lighter that's low on fluid is almost as bad as having no lighter at all for 2 reasons: for starters it's a sign that you will need a new lighter soon, which as we all know is not as simple as walking into a store and buying one. Because of the strife associated with New Lighter Acquisition, you'll continue to use your half-ass lighter which will cause ugly calluses and chip the left side of your thumbnail manicure due to having to light up repeatedly. It practically deserves a page on WebMD.
9. Unexpected calls/visitors: Of course this can be avoided if you just don't answer the phone/door, but it's hard to resist someone who's innocently seeking the company of the best person they know. Whether it’s an unknown number that turns out to be Susan from Planned Parenthood or a Jehovah’s Witness at your front door inquiring about your willingness to convert, navigating unexpected intruders is a delicate technique of stoned crisis management. The best thing to do is speak minimally (cough cough, I'm sick) and try to rid yourself of them as quickly as possible before they continue to cloud your cloud.
8. Deciding what food to order: Usually having many options is a good thing but when you’re stoned as fuck and all you want is to have something delicious in your mouth at this very second, navigating a 6 page menu becomes the equivalent of waterboarding in Cuba. Nothing kills a high more than a disappointing meal experience resulting from Stoned Order Regret. This is the age old stoner dilemma and unfortunately, until you move to China where your options are limited to rice or rice (white lice or brown lice?), it's going to continue to be a dilemma pending your developing anorexia.
7. Deciding to vocalize: As stoners know, we become more internalized as we smoke more. Our thoughts become a labyrinth of brilliance and introversion, often leading to many a profound epiphany/tweet. The next issue you face is, now that I've come up with this brilliant thought, will the rest of the circle appreciate it as much as I? Whether it’s the stoned realization that your cat is a better actress than Blake Lively or your urge to scream at your friend to stop because there’s a red light 300 feet away, voicing your inner musings is always risky because if they turn out to be dumber than Courtney Stodden, the rest of the group is doomed to doubt your stoned philosopher-self. All we can really say on this is try to
think smoke before you speak.
6. Problems with the smoking apparatus: Be it a broken slide, a j rolled so poorly it doesn’t function, a clogged piece. These situations literally block our nirvana. The best way to prepare for the colossal disaster of a malfunctioning smoking device is to have 10-15 others on deck, ready to step in at any time and save the day if the primary position cannot fulfill its duties. Like the vice president to the president, or Perez Hilton to Satan.
5. Not having access to liquids: If you ever wanted to experience life as a thirsty desert nomads, just smoke a few j's with no proximity to a Starbucks or a fucking kitchen sink for that matter. This is not a state of being which one can remain in for an extended period of time. We've heard that humans can survive for like 21 days without food but only 7 without water, so naturally moves need to be made quickly before you start feeling like you’re on the island from Lost. Speaking of…let’s watch Lost.
4. Having to pee mid smoke sesh: This is the catch 22 of stoner life. If you remain in the circle and your bladder is about to burst, you are really missing out on all of the joy and fulfillment that is a smoke session because all you can think about is having to pee. On the other hand, if you do make the move to relieve yourself whilst the blunt is still in motion, you can bet your bowl it’ll be smoked down to a nub by the time you return to the circle. Talk about Sophie’s choice. Unfortunately, this problem becomes more and more inevitable as you get higher and need to drink more liquids to fight your increasing cottonmouth.
3. Lighting up outdoors: Even when there's seemingly no breeze and there's no valid reason why you shouldn’t be getting super high other than the fucking atmosphere, it's always harder to light anything outdoors. Timing your light-up with the wind current is like timing your period with big events: a good idea in theory but ultimately mother nature will do as she pleases. We don’t really know why, but we’re guessing it might be that Mama N is a narc.
2. Realizing you have to do something: Whether it's a text from your mom reminding you family dinner is in an hour, your internship that you forgot was today, or simply remembering to pick up the sushi you ordered 5 minutes ago, when it dawns on you that you’re actually going to have to face sober human beings, major panic ensues. Do you call your mom and make up an excuse? Do you do absolutely nothing and blow off your obligations completely? Do you find the inner strength to put on pants without an elastic waist? If you do decide that your responsibilities trump your blaze, you're then faced with the dilemma of behaving sober. Eye drops and #54 iced coffee are a must, and if possible try to remain outdoors so you can keep your glazed eyes shielded with #55 sunglasses. Don’t worry though, if Michael Phelps can make it through the Olympics, you can totally make it through Father's Day.
1. Running out of weed/unresponsive dealer: While it is possible to prepare ahead of time by always having ounces at your disposal, we’re always too high to actually do so. If you have a trusted dealer who delivers with accuracy and speed, it shouldn’t be too hard but as I’m sure we have all gleamed from experience, drug dealers and reliability are hardly synonymous. Faced with this, you’ll start going through your rolodex of weed-related acquaintances and start swearing that you're going to start growing your own, or invent a special strain of weed that reproduces by budding from itself... which you'll obviously forget about as soon as you blaze again.