July 31, 2015
We all know brunch is the shit. Once you’re out of college, there’s not a whole lot to look forward to in terms of blackouts and drunk pizza eating (unless you really want to gain 25 lbs in 4 months). Your metabolism pretty much slows down to half of what it used to be, that pizza you ate is def going to show up on your thighs, and don’t even get us started about the judgment that comes with a (what you found hilarious) stranger danger hookup. The only way to combat it is with #161. drunk brunch – giving your body most of the day to get rid of those calories and to work through drunken binge eating. Genius!
But there are like, rules to brunch. For instance, picking up that egg white omelet and turning down the piece of quiche can like, really make your day better.
You may be scratching your head and saying, “WTF Betchy Crocker – it’s eggs and they’re fancy. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!” Chill, betch. Aside from the protein-packed eggs which ARE totes good for you, things like super fucking high fat Hollandaise sauce plus ham PLUS an English muffin can set you back FUCKING 1000 CALORIES. I shit you not. You can end up feeling bloated and farty and full – a terrible way to start the day. Oh, not to mention the close to 60g of fat. GAG.
I know, I know, but there’s a reason betches should stick with coffee. A glass of orange juice (without alcohol) is loaded with tons of sugar and isn’t really that fucking good for you. Additionally, unless the restaurant you’re eating at has cold-pressed that juice, chances are it has next to no nutrients. If you’re going to drink, at least make it low-cal and alcoholic.
I know that me telling you not to eat a muffin probably broke your heart the same way you broke your first boyfriend’s. But you have to think of these little bastards as cupcakes without frosting. You have pretty much a day’s worth of sugar, plus about 400 calories for a normal size muffin. Opt for an English muffin instead or just drink your calories..