October 11, 2012
10. Zooey Deschanel: She’s adorable! She’s weird! She’s so fucking quirky! UGH. We may love New Girl but we hate the girl. I would enjoy nothing more than to take a blowtorch to Zooey’s entire TT-wayyy-too-fucking-H-to-be-vintage closet. Between her mucus-singing, gargantuan bug eyes, and her uglier-than Katy Perry paleness, Zooey really knows how to grind our gears. If we had to spend 500 days with Summer, we’d probably hang ourselves by day 5.
9. Hilary Swank: It’s a shame that such a technically good actress happens to be one of the world’s most annoying entities because it really has prevented us from seeing some great movies. In all seriousness, I would rather sit alone in a room for 3 days straight, forced to listen to Taylor Swift’s entire body of work on repeat than sit through PS I Love You. And didn’t she win her first Oscar for like, playing a boy? Color us not surprised. Good luck to you and your man jaw, karate kid.
8. Evan Rachel Wood: You were good in Thirteen, you were annoying in Ides of March, and you prevented me from finishing the Mildred Pierce mini series - and I love that pretentious shit. Stop enunciating like you're in Downton Abbey. Pick hotter guys to date. And even though you tried to redeem yourself as Queen Sophie Anne on True Blood, you still were and continue to be annoying as fuck.
7. Gwyneth Paltrow: Her acting abilities aside, I have never found an actress to be more all around insufferable than this frosty bitch. From naming her child after a piece of fruit, to her telling Chelsea Lately's in-house gay, Ross Matthews, that he needs to lose weight, to never being able to get the spelling of her name right on the first try, everything about Gwyneth makes me want to strangle her with kale. Thankfully she like doesn’t really do a lot so we aren’t forced to avoid her on-screen too often, but in spite of this she manages to show up to every single fucking red carpet there is. Look for her this weekend at the red carpet premiere of Lifetime’s all black remake of Steel Magnolias.
6. Ginnifer Goodwin: You know when you just hate someone’s dumb fucking face so much it hurts? That’s how we feel about the youngest sister wife. No wonder she couldn’t even get legal-midget E to call her back in He’s Just Not That Into You. As the official face of the Delusional Dater and of ABC's lame ass Snow White, desperation really suits her.
5. Scarlett Johansson: Speaking of He’s Just Not That Into You, the main reason E wasn’t down with Ginn was because he was obsessed with Scarlett’s character. Talk about going from bad to worse (or is that worse to bad?). It’s amazing how someone who was so physically blessed could be so horribly unblessed in the acting department. Not sure if it’s that stupid fucking mole that she probably draws on her face every day, or the fact that she sounds like she’s midway through swallowing yogurt whenever she speaks, but whatever it is she has earned her spot on this list. Congrats ScarJo, may your most notable acting role forever remain a film where you
were lost in translation hardly speak.
4. Lea Michele: I rue the day network executives ever let this thespian plié onto my television screen. At least if she had remained on the Broadway stage where she belongs, I would be able to whip tomatoes and sharp objects at her when I was forced to watch her act. But now, she is one of Hollywood’s highest paid television actresses, while I still, am not. What kind of fucked up world do we live in?
3. Kristen Stewart: If we were to name an Anti-Betch of the Year, the honor would obviously go to K-Stew. As if the world didn’t hate her enough, she goes and cheats on R-Patz while wrecking the home of her married-with-kids director. And then she goes and issues a fucking statement apologizing for her wizard-sleeve vagina? Seriously Bella get the fuck off the red carpet and out of my realm of consciousness. We’ve had enough of your recovering-from-meth-addiction acting technique.
PS. There's something to say about Snow White seeing as 2 actresses on this list play her.
2. Katherine Heigl: Where do we even begin? Obviously with her creepy little baby teeth. Followed by the absolute JOKE that is the notion that attractive guys would ever actually being interested in this on-screen and off-screen fun-sucking nightmare. I mean we’re really supposed to believe that hot as fuck James Marsden in 27 Dresses can’t get Kathy Kegel off his mind? I don’t think so. Sure he now unrealistically plays Tina Fey’s love interest on 30 Rock, but Tina never insulted the entire Knocked Up creative team.
1. Anne Hathaway
Dishonorable mention - Hayden Panettiere: Aside from the fact that she actually fucked her way to stardom (barely) and that she landed a role in primetime to play herself minus the horrible country singing, there's something about this baby prostitute that seriously irks us. Maybe it's because she reminds us of fake Emanda Clarke, or maybe it's because our friends' friend has beef with her, either way we can't stand her and her stupid Shakira hair.