October 16, 2012
10. Sarah Silverman: When it comes to saying whatever the fuck is on your mind, no one does it better than this JAB. Sure we may think of her as a nostrils attached to a face, but she smokes weed, is extremely hilarious and also super offensive. In other words, she is us pre-nose job.
9. Cher Horowitz: It was never actually whether or not Cher is a member of the tribe, but as far as Jewish last names and attorney dads go, you can’t get much more bagel-y than Horowitz, so it’s a safe bet that she belongs on this list.
8. Barbra Streisand: Sure she’s old as fuck and the width of her nose spans the state of New Jersey, but Babs has been practicing the utmost forms of JABbery practically since the days of Abraham. She even got an entire song made about her, where all the lyrics were just her name over and over again. Apparently she’s also a massive bitch, which we feel she’s earned the right to be, given that she had to play the mother in the Meet The Fockers series.
7. Andy Cohen: Our Mazel of the Day goes to Bravo Andy who somehow managed to utilize Hebrew (arguably the least-betchy language in the world’s lexicon), and turn it into his signature catchphrase. Talk about a mitzvah.
6. Bar Refaeli: So her only real achievement is being ridiculously good looking. But that’s fine because an extraordinarily attractive Jew is worth 10 times their weight in hummus.
5. Natalie Portman: John Galliano really should have abstained from endorsing the Holocaust until after the 2011 awards season because he lost his betchiest client. Nat always seemed slightly nicegirl but then she played this psychopathic ballerina with a serious eating disorder and she was like, super cool. She also just dyed her hair blonde which obviously bodes well because our people need more positive blonde representatives to make up for Gwyneth Paltrow.
4. Mila Kunis: JABs everywhere are forever indebted to Esquire’s newest sexiest woman alive for single-handedly raising the collective exotic factor. I think we can all agree that men worldwide will never be more turned on by two Jewish girls than Mila’s infamous Black Swan scene with Nat…unless they have a fetish for the women who slice lox at Zabar's.
3. Rachel Zoe: No one is more Pesach Chic. I die.
2. Joan Rivers: The original JAB, Joan has upheld her reputation well into her 90s. She’s hilarious, an incredible dresser, and she’s also really dirty and originated then perfected the art of insulting Jewish penises. So basically she’s Chelsea in 50 years if Chelsea doesn’t die from liver failure before then.
1. Chelsea Handler: Speaking of Chelsea, the result of both a Mormon and a Jew, we’re very happy the better half won. Like any smart Jew, she was able to monetize her assets (her sense of humor and boobs), and became the first ever late night female talk show host. And though her show currently airs on The Kardashian Network, we’re sure she’ll be sitting in the NBC Late Night chair as soon as she is able to knock off Leno and his goyish fucking chin.