September 5, 2012
The only thing a betch loves more than drugs and alcohol is the underpaid woman who raised her. So usually we keep our lists to a solid ten, but in the world of Betches nothing is more valuable or more beloved than the people who raised us and made our beds. Whatever you called them in your house; be it housekeeper, babysitter, nanny, au pair, maid or butler. These people were so important to our upbringing that we would literally not be able to delegate tasks to others in such a refined manner if not for their existence.
12. Lucy (Clueless) – This bitch is not a Mexican, but you better believe that she has a jalapeno level spicy temper. While completely terrified of Mel, she doesn’t even hesitate to yell at a helpless Cher when she deserves it. Even though she like lost the infamous white collarless shirt from Fred Segal, that house is fucking spotless and it is all thanks to her.
11. Catherine "Ole Golly" (Harriet The Spy) – We can all remember being young and wanting her to bring us to that weird hippie rock garden to dance in flowers and play with seashells. We were young, we didn’t even know what poor was yet. When she got fired for being awesome and letting Harriet stay up late, our worst possible nightmare came true on screen; she was like totally fired. Mommy, you would never get rid of ours would you?
10. Lupe (Arrested Development) – She’s cute, she’s quiet, she puts up with major Lucille shit, this little woman is like the face of respect for authority. We can respect that. She can multitask really well, which is proven by the fact that she has like cleaned both Bluthe houses. Also, Mrs. Featherbottom is not to be forgotten, but her plight is seen by Mrs. Doubtfire so no worries.
9. Consuela (Family Guy) – She is the head of the housekeepers association of Quohog. She can be found erroneously wiping down surfaces and consistently refusing to do any real work.
8. Martin & Chessy (The Parent Trap) – Martin is the reason our housekeepers were forced to take dance classes. If Lindslo could have a choreographed handshake dance with her man-maid then so could we. Then we meet Chessy, who to this day has us confused as to her life situation. She’s the aunt but she’s also the maid and she’s also the comic relief moron. Like whatever, when the two of them got together we were taught that even blue collar workers deserve love, but only within their tax bracket.
7. Fran Fine (The Nanny) – In terms of wearing gold leggings and just full on gold digging, this betch from Flushing totally gets a gold star. She used to like sell makeup door-to-door until her over the top outfits got her noticed by producer pro Mr. Sheffield. Personally, we think she's just the unsung con artist of the 90s, who planned from an early age to manipulate an attractive British man to hire her as a live-in babysitter and then one day marry her. Who cares if we can't tell her and Janice from Friends apart, we love them anyway.
6. Vincenzo (It Takes Two) – I mean, seriously does it get cuter than this little geezer? Like he totally plays the typical butler role of pseudo-father figure to our favorite little betch-in-training Alyssa Callaway. He saved her from an undeserved life of poverty and also like stood up to BSCB Clarice on multiple occasions. Lady, if you touch that child, I'll pop you one, so help me God!
5. The Help – In the long tradition of strong black women standing up to The Man, these women took it one step further, they took it to his bitchy wife. They are the original sass-mouthing housekeepers who taught us that even if you are a bit chubs, you is smart you is kind you is important. They also like invented the burn book and made like, 20 dollars off of it. We support them in their campaign for equal rights and more lemon Pledge.
4. Rosario (Will & Grace) – We clearly cannot resist an aggressively tongued overweight member of a visible minority being mean to her employer. Over the course of the series she taught us the value of manipulating wealthy alcoholics, which in turn helped us better manipulate our own mothers. Sleeping pills in drinks, refusal to do work, and the use of excessive force to get one’s point across are all so typically Rosario, and que su fucking amor por ella.
3. Alfred Pennyworth – He is the dapper confidante and father figure to the hottest pro in Gotham, master Bruce Wayne. The nerd who we pay to do our homework told us that he is easily one of the most consistently beloved characters in the DC Universe. Whatever the fuck that is. As far as butlers go, this dude is totally badass and can keep a fucking secret like no other. He has even at one point dawned the mask and cowl himself, to manipulate villains into thinking he was Batman for shits and gigs. What a fame whore! He lives the fucking life at Wayne Manor and like serves tea to the Dark Knight himself. We simply adore you Alfred, you bloody bastard.
2. Mrs. Doubtfire – We know his story is a travesty on the part of divorce court and that Sally Fields was an uptight bitch who had a James Bond fetish, but we seriously don’t give a shit about that stuff. Mrs. Doubtfire is the best cross dresser on the silver screen since like Oprah. Her/his fake British accent and boobs combo totally made us wish that our dad would be that cool and talented and would dress up like our Jamaican nannies after our parents' divorce. Yeah some predictable hijinks ensued due to his completely ludicrous plan to pose as a cleaning lady so that he could spend time with his kids. This was way cute and endearing, no wonder he got his own reality show at the end of the movie.
1. Dorota -- The number 1 spot on our list goes to the lowkey star of Gossip Girl. She's a more central character than Blair's entire high school crew, which says a lot about her place in the social hierarchy. Not only does she routinely plan the galas that are attended by the entire cast during the second half of every episode, but she even agreed to be sold to Meester Chuck if Blair lost a bet. Hello employee of the month! With her ambiguous accent, slimming maid uniform, and sexual way with a feather duster, it's no wonder Vanya had the hots for her.
Throwback: Florence (The Jeffersons) - The sass mouthing cleaning lady who was hired when the Jeffersons got rich and moved on up in the world. In the long tradition of black ladies telling it like it is and housekeepers being awkwardly hard to ask to do things they were hired to do, this bitch is a visionary.