July 25, 2012
For every sassy betch in a movie, there are at least like 478 million fucking nicegirls. We have compiled the quintessential list to make it a little bit easier to describe your hatred for them to your guy friends and parents.
10. Lizzie McGuire: Even when we were ten years old we knew to #9 nickname her Lizzie McNicegirl. This was obvious due to her love of smoothies and the discouragement of her bestie’s eating disorder. I mean no wonder Ethan Craft wouldn’t touch her with a 10 foot pole. Put on those fucking hip huggers and stop hanging out with your mom.
9. Ren Stevens: Clearly at the start of the millennium, the Disney channel foresaw a future of teen moms and Hannah Montana sluts and tried to veer our generation on the right track by shoving nicegirls in our face. Ren embodied everything we resent: she was a teacher’s pet, the captain of every loser club imaginable, and she was always trying to get her awesome brother Louis in troubs. We’re just glad Christy Carlson Romano’s career never took off because after portraying this bracefaced kiss ass, her presence is needed no where outside of Cadet Kelly.
8. Ugly Betty: Where do we even begin, I mean her name is preceded by fucking ugly, which really tells you all you need to know. As Miranda Hobbes can attest, adult braces are a prescient indicator that one is in the presence of a nicegirl of nauseating proportions. Or a ginger lesbian. And the actress who plays Betty only contributes to the cause. It's like, real women don’t have curves, fat women do.
7. Dorothy: Anyone who seriously walks around wearing ruby slippers can’t be anything but a braids-wearing nicegirl with a heart of fucking gold. Not even her #95 little dog can make up for the fact that she is unashamedly sauntering all over Oz with a gang of losers more Motley than Crew.
6. Taylor Townsen: While this preppy BITCH did exert some betchy qualities, such as backstabbing and manipulating her way into Ryan Atwood’s heart, that does not make up for her Lacoste wearing nicegirl demeanor. I mean, with the obvious exception of Blair Waldorf, there is no such thing as a headband wearing betch.
5. Susan Meyer: 3 words. Teri Fucking Hatcher. Ugh, any role that is inhabited by this overly botoxed embodiment of desperation is bound to be vom inducing at best. Susan’s constant underwear frolicking and obnoxious good deed-doing puts us over the fucking edge. And like, we won’t say that we enjoyed her husband dying but who doesn’t love to see a nicegirl cry?
4. Rachel Berry: While we hear in real life Lea Michelle is actually quite the little bitch, the captain of the Glee club sings and pliés her way through life in the way that only a nicegirl could. Honestly if I had to listen to this thespian sing don’t stop believing every 5 minutes I would throw a fucking slurpee on her too.
3. Charlotte York: I mean she poughkoopsied in her pants. And we fucking LOLed. Everything about the former Mrs. McDougal screams nicegirl. From her not fucking bros until the night before her wedding, to always insisting that her besties not be inappropriate at brunch, she always put a serious damper on the fun. Please Char, take a lesson from your friend Samantha and loosen the fuck up, figuratively and literally.
2. Mandy Moore in A Walk to Remember: So like we get that she was dying and everything but honestly being terminal does not give you the inalienable right to wear floor length floral frocks every day.
1. Anne Hathaway.
*Honorable Mention: The Babysitters Club - Jimmy Tony is most definitely NOT there. I mean, the entirety of this friend group makes me so fucking thankful my parents sponsored a Pilipino to raise me. These flosers gave up their summer to start a lame excuse for a summer camp, wear shitty floral dresses, eat sunflower seeds and like lose kids constantly. What are you doing in there?? Shaaaaaving… my back now.