May 29, 2014
We’ve all done it—shared a bowl or two with our friends and watched a couple hours of Fresh Prince, only mid-way into season two all of a sudden your stomach has turned into a black hole, a deep bottomless pit, and despite all your efforts during the week to be good, you’re fucking starving. An absolute savage. At least now you can totally empathize with those children in Africa you volunteered with, even if that was a year ago.
“But wait,” you think aloud, even though you think you’re thinking in your own head, “what if I go back to Africa and volunteer? The problem isn’t that there’s no food, the problem is that there isn’t enough infrastructure to get the children out of the cycle of poverty so they can provide for themselves.”
Then you snap out of your pseudo-intellectualism and focus on the issue at hand: you’re so hungry you might eat, well, food. But what? Obviously the choices are literally endless considering we live in the good ol’ U.S. of A. However, our idea of a good time doesn’t include wandering aimlessly around the grocery store in an insatiable hunger daze, so we’ve narrowed down a list of our top 5 fave munchie foods. Try not to drool.
Having the munchies is literally the only acceptable excuse to eat Cheez-Its unless you are like, a toddler or homeless. Like I know The Lonely Island wrote that song “Dream Girl” about Chex Mix but if I had to pick a snack food as my dream SO it would DEF be Cheez-Its. They’re cheesy, they’re crunchy, they’re satisfying, and they come in a bunch of cheesy flavors to quell my food A.D.D. Also they are fucking delicious. Cheez-Its for President 2016.
All types are equally amazing, although I prefer the peanut butter/chocolate/crack-infused combo that is the Tagalong, but yeah you really can’t go wrong in this equation. Unless you eat a box of Trefoils, then you fucked up. No one wants to eat cardboard, even if it’s buttery cardboard.
It’s soft. It’s gooey. It’s like eating pillows smothered in cheese. It’s going to make you hate yourself when you wake up tomorrow.
Holy shit, cereal. And I’m not talking Cheerios or Kashi or some shit; if you’re going to do it you might as well go all-out and devour an entire box of Frosted Flakes/Reese’s Puffs/Fruit Loops in one sitting. Have you noticed how great milk tastes when you’re feeling dazed and confused? Great enough to distract you from the thought that it’s super weird that we drink cow’s milk, like who was the first person to be like, “Hey let me squeeze this pink thing on the underside of a cow and drink the liquid that comes out?” Okay, maybe that’s just me, but whatever it’s still weird. Also, like think of all those characters on the fronts of cereal boxes: Tony the Tiger, Sam the Toucan, Lucky the Leprechaun, the fucking Trix rabbit? Whoever came up with these deranged-looking cartoon animals who start tweaking when they come across their own fucking cereal was clearly high to begin with.
If you were reading through this list thinking, “Yeah, but what about when you want something salty and sweet, creamy and crunchy?” well then you should’ve been a little bit more patient. With chocolate-covered pretzels, you can have it all. You can have your shitty junk food, and eat it too. Acceptable substitutions include Take 5 bars, peanut butter Snickers, and pretzel M&M’s.
So next time you get the munchies remember: nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, except for when you’ve just used your vape.
Think you know what the best munchies are better than The Betches? Prove it and you could win a vape pen. Our friends at Vape World are giving away 5 vape pens to you lucky betches so if you’d like to enter, upload a picture of your favorite munchies, tag @VapeWorld and hashtag #BetchesLoveVapes. Good luck and happy vape-ing!