May 14, 2014
At the risk of sounding like one of those home videos that TV characters record when they know they’re going to die, if you’re reading this it means you’ve probably graduated college. Congratulations, betch, and welcome to the real world!
The real world is awesome in that 1. You actually have your own disposable income (hopefully) so your parents can’t comment on your irrational spending habits, and 2. No homework. You’ll quickly realize how much of a bitch homework was when you start spending your entire Sunday alternating between nursing your hangover and napping instead of nursing your hangover, napping, and procrastinating doing work. But, as they say in Spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility. Here are the top 5 real world dilemmas every betch is sure to face during her first year out of college:
Pretty self-explanatory as far as dilemmas go. The first time around you can get away with hitting up Victoria’s Secret, and if the semi-annual sale is going on it basically doesn’t count. But after that it’s time to suck it up and break out the Tide or else you’ll just get sucked into this vicious cycle where you keep buying socks and underwear and before you know it, you’re starring in your own episode of Hoarders, only instead of mountains of used McDonald's cups you're hoarding G-strings. Be real, the washing machine isn’t even far. It’s not like you have to pack up all your dirty clothes and schlep them to a Laundromat; all you have to do is literally go downstairs. There’s not doing work and then there’s just being a lazy ass. Obviously if you're a true betch, you'll just get your laundry sent out but even your doorman will probably judge you if you're doing so with a washing machine in your apartment.
As long as it’s not ramen, you’re good. I personally like to buy the kind of Barilla that claims it’s made with a serving of vegetables in it so I can delude myself into thinking I eat a balanced diet. Also, jsyk: quinoa is supposedly really good for you and all you have to do is boil water, and if you can boil water, you're basically a chef. If you fuck it up, there's always Seamless.
Betch, NO!! If you’ve moved to a new city and can’t find a friend or like a bestie’s camp friend’s friend to live with, just live by yourself. You might think you’re saving money, but think about it this way: how much is a portion of your monthly rent worth in relation to the expensive shit she might steal out of your room and then deny it, or the hours you’ll spend on therapy talking shit about how she blasts Imagine Dragons at all hours of the day and night? Not worth it. If there's one thing you should've learned in econ it's fucking cost-benefit analysis.
Or Mad Men, or Orange is the New Black, whatever. What college betches take for granted is that the gym is free (or technically 'free' since it’s included in your 50K tuition bill which is covered by the International Bank of Dad) and within walking distance. Once you graduate you might have to like, drive to the gym, which is super annoying after you’ve spent a long day of cleverly avoiding doing the shit you’re supposed to. Before you talk yourself out of driving half a mile, remember that the reason you stored all that energy up for 8 hours was so you could convert it into kicking ass at Soul Cycle. Also if you sit on your ass all day sooner or later you’re bound to get bed sores, probably.
The upside to having a (non-psycho random) roommate is that you have someone to share all the undesirable parts of living with, like paying utilities and doing chores. But ugh, you say, that means I actually have to like clean and shit. Not so fast, betch. What makes you think pretending to do work is a skill that’s limited to the office? I mean, I’d list it on my resume as a skill except then I’d never get hired. Anyway, the key to not doing a lot of gross chores is to give the appearance that you do a lot of chores. It’s all about quantity, not quality. For example, run the dishwasher. Take out the trash, but only if you live near the dumpster. Run a Swiffer duster over one shelf. Do other useless shit like cleaning the mirrors. You get the idea. Next, guilt your roommate into doing the dirty work by approaching her with this laundry list of things you’ve done for the apartment. No one wants to feel like they’re the resident lazy slob, so she’ll make up for it by cleaning the toilet/scrubbing the floors/etc. If you do it right, she’ll never catch on. Unless she reads this site, in which case, you’re fucked. Also, when in doubt, hire a fucking cleaning lady. No one gets those hardwood floors quite like the housekeeper your mom lets your borrow every couple of weeks.
So welcome to the real world, class of 2014. Enjoy these last few years before you have to start saving for retirement and acknowledging your mom when she asks why you don’t have a boyfriend. I haven't gotten there yet but I'm pretty sure that's what they mean when they say "rock bottom."