May 8, 2014
Betches love going out and blacking out, but we’re not robots programmed to party all the time, neither are we Eddie Murphy circa 1985. Approximately 4 or so times every year, a betch needs to make the difficult decision to forego a night of tequila shots and vodka sodas and stay in. This is pretty much the closest to responsible a betch will ever come before she hits her late 20s or gets cut off.
Unlike when you get out of doing shit like chores or gym class, dropping the ball on a pregame has actual consequences. Refuse a night of raging without a proper excuse and your resident UGH will be silently rejoicing that she’s all of a sudden been bumped up to “second-most lame” on the totem pole. Lol not so fast, Brittany, I might be spending the night on my couch but I still don't consider going home after midnight a 'wild time'.
Although we’ve already covered getting out of doing shit, getting out of going out requires a new set of excuses and strategies. We’ve covered the top and only acceptable excuses for staying in.
The reason: The plans sound really lame
The excuse: No one wants to hear that their plans suck, especially not your friends. When a root canal sounds more appealing than your friends’ plans, make up some other shit you committed to do with really awesome other friends that conveniently no one else you know has ever heard of. Keep it vague overall but the more random specific details you throw in, the better. “Sorry babe, I’d love to go to Park Bench with you for the 17th time this month, but I've got plans with my friends from Zumba.” …“Since when do you take Zumba, I thought you said all that jumping around was idiotic?”
**Sidenote: Only do this like once in your lifetime tops, and whatever you do, DON'T try to keep up the lie and pretend your "friends from work" or your toleration of Zumba is real. Invent imaginary friends too often and you become a weird pathological liar and will probably lose all your friends.
The reason: You’re kind of sick
The excuse: In reality you’re feeling a sinus infection coming on and while you couldddd swing it this weekend, you’d rather not risk it since formal’s next weekend and you don’t know if you’d be off antibiotics by then. Better to just stay in. As far as your friends are concerned, you’re “on the verge of death.” Like you definitely accidentally drank from someone else’s water bottle and now you’ve contracted meningitis, mono, and the black lung all in one day. Play your cards right and maybe one of your besties will come bring you some soup, SATC DVD’s, or write “Save Betch” on the water cooler in town.
The reason: You like actually have shit to do the next day
The excuse: You like actually have shit to do the next day. "Starting from like 7am until 9pm." Obviously you’re not going to wake up until 3, but all anyone else has to know is that you’re so busy tomorrow it would stress Olivia Pope out.
The reason: You’re still hungover from the night before
The excuse: Trick question, this is not an excuse! Chug a fucking Red Bull or do a line and get back on the wagon! What is this, amateur hour?
The moral of this article is, unless you’re like literally dying (like actually literally) or you’ve got lunch with the President tomorrow, we expect to see your ass at the bars so sack up. If you’re staying in more often than you get your period, better call a doctor because it sounds like you’ve come down with nicegirl-itis.