April 10, 2014
It's a given that betches had a lot of better shit to be doing in history class than learning history. But while you were busy trying to attract bros by sending gifts to yourself and doing anything you could to draw attention to your mouth, you may have missed some seriously betchy historical figures who furthered the art of BSCBness long before molly and instagram made our token crazy friends what they are today. Here are five historically bat-shit bat shit crazy betches to model your life on.
Zelda Fitzgerald is mostly famous because her husband wrote a book about rich people that Leo later starred in. She spent her teen years living it up as a Montgomery Debutante and making everybody in Alabama love her/be jealous of her. She was so good at getting the attention of bros that there was reportedly an entire group of dudes at Auburn who had legit started a frat called Zeta Sigma that's only purpose was to love Zelda and give her gifts and shit. These bros loved Zelda so much that they didn't even care when she did crazy shit like one time when she reported a woman being stuck on a roof to the fire department and then went up on the roof of her own house so everyone can see her being rescued by the fire department, which is probably the historical equivalent of posting ":(" as your status and seeing how many bros comment on it.
Zelda eventually married F. Scott, but not before making him send her tons and tons of letters (in 2014 she probs would have just texted and Shapchatted a bunch) and then finally accepting his marriage request by writing him a letter thanking him for the ring and letting him know that 60 new ROTC cadets just came into town and then continuing on a busy schedule of attending college football games and trying to drive her new fiancé bonkers. The Fitzgeralds went on to be the "it couple" of the 20s and everybody, including F.Scott (who reportedly took parts of his books word-for-word from her diaries), was piggybacking on Zelda's shit and trying to be her BFF. Zelda, unfortunately, went the way of many BSCBs and ended up in an alcohol-fueled horror marriage and eventually died in a fire. RIP, Queen BSCB.
Betchiest Quote: (On why people should buy her hubby's new book The Beautiful and the Damned) "Everyone must buy this book for the following aesthetic reasons: First, because I know where there is the cutest cloth of gold dress for only $300 at a store on 42nd street and also if enough people buy it I know where there is a platinum ring with a complete circlet. Also, if loads of people buy it, my husband needs a new winter overcoat although the one he has has done well enough for the last three years."
Empress Sissi of Austria is a historical betch you may not have heard of, even though she lived an extremely betchy life. She's mostly known for becoming Empress and then bouncing out of Austria for a study abroad that essentially lasted her entire life. While she was Empress, she took the concept of getting ready to a whole other level by tight-lacing her corsets, which basically means she was sewn into her dresses every single day and then proceeded to eat nothing until she felt faint, at which point historians assume she ate a cube of cheese. This led to her being 5"8 and 110 pounds with a sixteen inch waste which is like, great for looking good in spring break instas, but like, pretty bad as far as health and stuff.
In addition to all that tight lacing shit, she was basically obsessed with her hair. Every day she (well, her maids) would do her hair for two hours with one day a week set aside for an all day, 24 hour, hair care extravaganza. If you're not yet convinced of her BSCB status, while she spent most of her young life sitting for portraits (historical selfies) and getting presents from royal bros, once she turned 32 she started refusing to sit for any more portraits and banned people from taking photographs of her so that her "eternal beauty would not be challenged", which makes me seriously consider deleting my inset the day I turn 30.
Betchiest Quotes: (On Having her Hair Done) "While my hair is busy my mind stays idle. I am afraid that my mind escapes through the hair and onto the fingers of my hairdresser. Hence my headache afterward."
Lillie Langtry started out as a hot AF Jersey betch and then moved on to be the mistress of the future king and the first ever betch to do a celeb endorsement. While she was living in Jersey she got married to some bro, but then she said F that and moved to London and started banging the Prince of Wales and having her portrait painted (again, the historical selfie). While she did eventually become an actress, for most of her life her career basically came down to "professional hot person" and she was widely considered to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
Langtry was another life-long study abroad-er, which is pretty crazy when you consider that she had a husband and a child basically the entire time she was making her career as the girl everybody wants to bang. Lillie solidified herself as a historical betch by being the first woman ever to do a celeb endorsement when she sold her pics to Pears soap causing basically everybody to buy this soap and making Lillie rich AF, which was pretty hard for a woman to do on her own. Also, much like LiLo, all of the reviews of her acting were like, really really bad, but everybody went to see her and she kept getting cast anyway.
Betchiest Quote: (On being super popular) "No person in the world has ever lost anything by being nice to me."
Hedy Lamarr is a BSCB, but she was also like, super-smart and shit. Hedy was a Austrian Jewish Betch from a class that whoever wrote her wikipedia article called "Jewish haute bourgeoisie," which is not something I've ever heard of but sounds pretty betchy. Lamarr had six different husbands during her life, pissing each of them off in turn by being too hot and cool to be a very good wife. Her first husband left her after she starred in the film Ecstasy at age 18 which showed her naked running through the woods and then had a close up on her face while orgasming because even though it was 1933, Hedy Lamarr gave zero fucks about anybody.
Lamarr's betchy claim to fame came in 1942 when she and some bro named George Antheil fucking invented cell phone technology. Seriously. She was a super hot close-up-orgasming actress and on the side she INVENTED CELL PHONES. Well, okay she invented something called Frequency Hopping Spread Spectrum Communication Technology, and while I do not have the desire/knowledge to explain what that is, just know that it is the basis for Bluetooth, Wifi, and, way down the line, the iCloud. What, like it's hard? BRB I'm gonna print a picture of the betch to hang above my bed because we legit owe her everything.
Betchiest Quote: "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."
Marie is perhaps the most famous BSCB on this list and she wasn't so much crazy as she was spoiled AF. Hailing from Austria, she married the King of France when she was just fifteen, which is like way too young to have to deal with all that political BS. To get away from it all, Marie had a model farm built on the palace grounds so that she and her ladies-in-waiting could dress in elaborate costumes and pretend to be milkmaids and shepherdesses. Poor people are so random! There were even rumors of her sexual rampages and it became trendy for the commoners to blame everything that went wrong in France on her.
The French hated her because they thought she was spending so much money that she was driving France into extreme debt and all the povos were starving. Whatevs, they probably needed to lose a couple of pounds anyway. Eventually all great parties have to end and the French monarchy was overthrown leaving Marie with her head cut off.
Betchiest Quote: Upon hearing that the French peasants were starving and had no money for bread she allegedly said: "Let them eat cake."
All sources are from Wikipedia and How Stuff Works because IDGAF or have the time to do like, real research.