January 22, 2014
In the past we've received many requests to write about more "serious" news and not just the usual scandals we report on. While we've told you many times we prefer not to keep up with the news, we've actually started doing so to some degree and it turns out the news can be more hilarious than a salad. Like yeah it's ridic when Justin Bieber makes a fool of himself, but it's even more ridic when someone gets elected on the basis of their upstanding citizenship and then we hear they've been to a Berlusconi orgy or Chancellor of Germany sent a "wrong text" talking shit about Obama. So while we look forward to that shit happening we welcome to our new political betch writer who's going to take the time to tell you all you need to know to hold a semi-aware conversation.
The Chris Christie scandal is still not water under the bridge. The mayor of Hoboken Dawn Zimmer is claiming that Chris Christie refused to give her Sandy recovery money unless Zimmer supported his fave redevelopment plan, which he only even liked because his #69 besties were going to get rich off it or some shit. Chris Christie is a life ruiner. He ruins lives. And he just got reinaugurated. Oh you think politics are corrupt? Good luck getting home tonight.
The real Jordan Belfort was interviewed on CNN and said he’s like, really sorry that he stole everyone’s money, sort of. The main thing I got from this interview is that the real Jordan Belfort is a real life douche and not even close to as hot as Leo. Also, it's sort of hard to believe his apology considering he wrote an entire book about how amaze it was to do coke off of betches’ assholes on yachts he bought with that money. Piers Morgan told Belfort he should personally apologize to his victims, but Jordy is way too #53 shady to do. Also, what is he supposed to say? I’m sorry I turned you into a povo floser 20 years ago. And I’m sorry for writing a book about how fun it was.
The Sochi Olymbetch might turn out to be really dangerous, and not just for the gays. Apparently, a terrorist group has threatened to attack tourists visiting for the games. Supposedly these terrorists are women, nicknamed 'Black Widows' so if you see something, say something. There's a chance everyone might be #197 overreacting, but then again if someone offered me free tickets to Sochi I probably would not take them. Apparently even some Olympic athletes are telling their parents not to come. Let’s be real, Russians are too blacked out to organize a terrorist attack. But let's hope not blacked out enough to prevent one.
According to Google, parents want to know how to make their sons smart and their daughters skinny. Fucking duh, why is everyone so surprised? Betchy moms have been starving their daughters to attract rich bros and forcing their sons to major in Econ so they can become I-bankers since the beginning of time. Apologies to betches trying to break the glass ceiling, your parents aren't that interested.
Iran was invited and then disinvited to the UN peace conference on Syria. Iran seems to be taking the realization that it’s the #48 dud in the friend group about as well as a betch realizing she wasn’t invited to last week’s group dinner. Iran’s foreign minister is now saying that the countries attending the conference will be missing out on Iran’s potential for brokering peace, and that Ban-Ki Moon is just mad Iran didn’t invite him to the pregame it threw for the last peace conference.