May 19, 2015
Betches, your biggest dream and worst nightmare have simultaneously come true: some [evil] genius decided to tap into your drunken inability to make good decisions and your desire to shop at all times to create Drunk Shopping, a service that bills itself as "the shopping experience that delights in sloppy judgment." I know you and your besties were discussing this very same idea on the Uber out to the bar on Saturday night (because what betch hasn't noticed the correlation between being wasted and spending a fuckton of money?) but I'm sorry to say someone else beat you to the punch.
When you're verging on the edge of blackout at 2 am and are about to make poor decisions by texting your BBB, you can text "heyyyyy" to Drunk Shopping (did not make that up) and it will in turn text you pics of things you totally need, like a ladle shaped like the Loch Ness Monster, a T-shirt with Nic Cage's face all over it, and a bunch of other totally necessary items.
Because I have a morbid curiosity I decided to hit up Drunk Shopping (text hey with 6 y's to 551-333-7865) and this is what happened:
Drunk Shopping: heres how this works: I'll hit you up on sat night at like 2am with a few things u can buy. the type of things you'd buy wasted. like a set of throwing knives. or a cooler thats also a 3d printer. buy them. don't buy them. up to u. but i promise they'll always be dope.
And then I told them what state I'm in for time zone purposes and got this text:
DS: whatever. anyway, you're on the list. ill see yo ass on saturday.
I'm equal parts excited and terrified. I'm also not sure if an actual person runs this account or if it's a robot (it was kind of hard to tell by the messages) so I have no fucking clue how to unsubscribe. Wish me luck. Next time you see me I might have a piano key neck tie and a giant slip n slide shaped like a tree frog, or I might have my credit cards and identity stolen by a Nigerian prince. Who the fuck knows.