Things That Happen When A Betch Goes On A Diet

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

There’s a point in every betch’s life when she realizes she really needs to lose weight, on top of the 3 pounds she’s constantly “trying to lose.” After deciding she needs to lose her (non-existent) love handles, a betch's weight loss process usually goes down like this:

Stage 1: The Announcement

The attention-seeking betch will tell everyone she knows that she’s on a mission to lose 5 pounds or whatever. She’ll post “before” pics on Instagram and when you get together for brunch, she’ll look longingly at her poached eggs and say wistfully, “This is the last time I’ll get to eat you in a while,” while you all roll your eyes. The sneaky betch will just drop the weight subtly and wait for you to notice.

Stage 2: The Prep

She will ask around to her friends, family, pharmacist, you name it, to see if anyone knows of a good diet or cleanse she should try. It may not have occurred to her that she could just gradually cut calories like a sensible person, but if you suggest it she’ll prob roll her eyes at you. “I don’t have time to drop a half a pound a week, I have to lose 10 pounds by the weekend, fucking duh.”

Stage 3: The Diet

Eventually she decides to make up her own diet, like something along the lines of, “I’m only eating fruits and vegetables from now on except I might eat quinoa when I get really hungry and also beans count as vegetables.” Either that, or she’ll try someone else’s made-up diet, à la, “My bestie’s cousin’s skinny sorority sister gave up all sugar, bread, red meat, and dairy, so that’s what I’m doing.” She also won’t give up drinking or drunk eating because that “doesn’t count.”

Stage 4: The Exercise

She’ll up her elliptical routine from 45 minutes to an hour every day, without modifying the resistance or cross ramp, or god forbid lifting weights or like, using a different cardio machine. But she might go on a run, like once, and will probably Instagram it.

Stage 5: The End

A betch’s diet ends in either victory or defeat (fucking duh). Either she loses the weight, and now you’re low-key jealous that she’s sooo skinny, or she realizes that no sane person can eat only vegetables for an entire month without going crazy and breaking one night and going on an insane froyo binge with actual, non-fruit toppings. This may or may not be followed with another attempt to go on a diet but to actually be realistic about it. You know what they say, if at first you don’t succeed, try going on an all-carb diet.




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