November 11, 2014
Dear Thirst Traps,
First, a definition: if every single one of your uploads are either a headshot or from a photo shoot (or your “artsy” friend with a DSL-R taking pictures of you in a bed of flowers or up against a tree or some shit), you’re probably a thirst trap. If you are practically naked in all your Instagram pics, you’re probably a thirst trap. If you’re constantly posting sexy pics and then attacking any guy who makes a sexual comment and whine about how you can’t “find a nice guy who likes me for me,” you’re—you guessed it—DEFINITELY a thirst trap.
I can already hear the choruses of “slut shaming!” so let me be clear: it's not about what you post and more about how you react. While a thirst trap would post a pic of her ass and yell at any dude who dares to comment, "nice ass," a betch would just respond with a, "you wish," or more likely nothing at all. Like remember how Lena Dunham compared herself to a sex offender in her memoir and then got mad that people started calling her a sex offender? Same idea, it makes no sense and you brought it on yourself so like…just stop with the phony outrage.
Thirst traps might think they’re hot shit, but they just do a disservice to betches everywhere. True betches don’t have to go looking for compliments, compliments just seem to find us. Even on your fattest of fat days, baiting internet creepers into telling you you're pretty should never be an option. I mean that's what you have besties and your therapist for. Hell, go write "you're beautiful, no matter what they say" and tape it on your mirror, literally anything else would be less obnoxious and try-hard than what you're currently doing.
And if you’re one of the parched flosers out there who plays into this shit, you’re just as bad as the thirst traps themselves. Next time you feel like commenting, “DAYUM” or “ANTM status,” or “marry me,” just stop right there, go to the kitchen, grab a tall glass of water, and take a big gulp. As Smokey the Bear says, only you can prevent thirst traps.
I will buy every single one of you a Gatorade if I have to,