April 21, 2015
Betches, have you ever wanted to walk down the street looking like a giant Eggo waffle? Well Nordstrom has the dress for you. Junya Watanabe—which is not, in fact, a dish you ordered last night at that sushi restaurant—has designed the dress of your dreams. It’s called the “Monofilament Mesh Dress” but it is so much more than that. It’s basically a giant yellow sack made up of those little paper fortune tellers you used to make in middle school, because there’s nothing sexier than a real life school art project. I can just hear the bros now: “Hey girl, I’m never gonna leggo your Eggo.”
Nordstrom has this gem stylized with a pair of mom socks and some bright red shiny wedge sneakers (yeah, those exist), to give you the full on Happy Meal look. And the best part about it is, you can get your Big Bird 2015 Halloween costume for the low, low price of $2,455. Plus free shipping, what a steal.
Unfortunately, this dress isn’t available in a Nordstrom’s near me (bastards), but there are some lucky betches who got to try on the Monofilament Mesh wonder, and lived to tell the tale. Some of my favorite reviews include:
“I am always looking for unique pieces to have in my closet, and this little number caught my eye for Spring. I figured the style would help camouflage the flaws in my figure but when it finally arrived and I tried it on, it did just the opposite. I have a prominent backside, and the origami-like projections on this dress looked like they were "exploding open" on my curves like miniature shutters, and that birds my start flying out of my back end. On my bosom, the same spectacle occurred, creating a pop-up-book visual. My husband and I went for dinner in downtown Seattle and while standing at the hostess stand, a little boy starting opening all of the "boxes" looking for prizes. This created an awkward situation, and I am less enthused about wearing this dress again. With it's down-payment-on-a-car-price, I'm not sure what to do with it other than maybe cover a chair for the garden.”
This is the only review that sounds like it even remotely happened, and if this really did occur I’m holding a candlelight vigil tomorrow for the fate of humanity. You’re all invited.
“This dress was the perfect selection for my son's Lego robotics competition. The only drawback was that I was mistaken several times for the mascot. A small price to pay for such high fashion, though!”
I agree, you can’t put a price on what was obviously next season of Project Runway’s unconventional materials challenge. Although their price tag for that is usually like, $150.
“I bought this for my mother for her 90th birthday. She is very sick, but in this masterpiece of a dress she felt beautiful. My one complaint is when she lay for her daily nap, the origami features were compressed, and I had to refold each feature. This product has helped piece my family back together after mothers illness nearly took her from us. Thank you monofilament mesh dress, you meshed my family together! :)”
I was actually anticipating this review would say, “I bought this for my mother for her 90th birthday. I tried it on and she laughed so hard it cured her cancer—I guess laughter really is the best medicine! Thanks monofilament mesh dress, you were the block that built my family back up!”
“I was invited to a Halloween party that had a costume competition for the most amount of money spent trying to make myself (and my partner) go as inanimate objects that go together.
After weeks of diligent searching, I finally stumbled upon this piece as I was seconds away from closing my browser. Then it hit me. This dress is perfect.
I will go as a waffle. He will attend as a bottle of syrup.
I then began meticulously planning the outfit. First, I would purchase 5 dozen maple scented stickers that I will place on my body prior to slipping into this sexy number. Second, we would have to equip his costume to actually squirt waffle syrup. Weeks of planning and it was done.
Since I'm a bit of a perfection I attended the event with my two french bull dogs that were dressed up as strawberries as well as my boyfriend (the human sized syrup bottle). The entire evening he squirted me with the syrup while the dogs ran around me. The whole scene was so well choreographed it was like a breakfast ballet.
My issue came with cleanup. We did not anticipate going through the 5 gallons of syrup that were strapped to my boyfriend. In retrospect, there wasn't even a need for the maple scented stickers because I had a clear maple scent just a few minutes into the ordeal. There certainly wasn't a need for 5 gallons of syrup. You know that they say, hindsight is 20/20 and it smells like maple syrup.
All in all, the dress was perfect. It did, however, run a little big. We won.”
I would go see a breakfast ballet.
Please donate to my Kickstarter to help me raise enough money to buy my very own Monofilament Mesh Dress. I’ve got a Spongebob themed party coming up, and I’m going as the pineapple under the sea.