October 4, 2012
4 8 15 16 23 42
"How about this for a number? 4. That's how many times I wondered if Hurley will be skinny by the series finale, 8 is age of Walt, 15 is how many minutes I cried over Jin and Sun -- and Charlie; 16 is the number of dollars I bet that Jack and Kate would end up together. 2342. That's my ATM pin, and with all the numbers I gave you, I'm guessing 0 is the number of times you're going google if this quote is actually from Lost."
Just a warning: this post is far nerdier than what you may be accustomed to reading on this site and if you're easily offended by such, do not read on. We know LOST isn’t betchy in a traditional sense. In fact, in theory it is the farthest thing from it: historical references, biblical allusions, science fiction shit. However, if you look closer you can see exactly why this show about some seriously fucked up castaways has captivated betches everywhere.
For starters, everyone was ridiculously attractive. We don’t know about you, but the last time we flew JetBlue, we sat between a 300-pound Packers fan and a screaming ginger baby, not the guy from Party of 5. So it wasn’t very realistic, but that didn’t matter because the show’s main plots involved a smoke monster and a giant wheel that moved an island. Being realistic just wasn't in the cards. Even so, this show was fucking awesome and like people still talk about it so you know it’s a big deal.
Obviously there have been 500-page dissertations on the ending alone so we can’t delve into everything but let’s start with what matters: the hookups. Sayid and Shannon, Hurley and Libby, Charlie and Claire, Rose and Bernard, DESMOND AND PENNY(!). Island relationships were always our favorite, but the love connection that really mattered to betches was the triangle-turned-square between Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and later Juliet. When this show was discussed you were always a Skater or a Jater. Meaning you either wanted Kate to end up with Sawyer in which case you’d argue “Sawyer just LOVES Kate!" or you’d want her to end up with Jack because “Jack is so hot!" We won’t take sides but here are 2 words: cage sex.
There's so much we can talk about such as polar bears, caleb nichols, "baby cheeses" filled with heroin, but one of the craziest things that Lost brought forth was emotion, as in I cried as hard as Shannon (daughter who runs like a tard in Taken) cried about her brother Damon Salvatore's death. Honestly, why did so many people have to die? Libby's death was kind of sad, if Shannon weren't such a horrible actress we would have shed a tear when she croaked in Sayid's embrace, Mr. Ecko and Michael (ABC would kill off the two black people, minus hottie Rose), and of course we felt so bad for Sawyer when Juliet died in the casual electromagnetic hole, but the shit that made us bawl like that sorority girl who lost her way, were the deaths of Jin and Sun. Like, wow. I guess it's like the saying goes: those who eat sushi together, drown together. Salmon skin roll.
While the characters were far more intriguing than the mysterious shit, we will admit that there were some moments where we cared about this island’s questions more than our actual life. I mean, at the end of season 1 we spent the following week screaming at randoms on the street, “WHAT'S IN THAT FUCKING HATCH?!” And there was (were?) many a mind fuck in Lost too, I mean we’d be lying if we said we never got high and pondered whether the island is just Hurley’s dream. Speaking of Hurley, I never want to win the lottery. Speaking of the lottery, those numbers. Speaking of those numbers, the Dharma and Greg Initiative! Speaking of the Initiative, Benjamin Linus was so fugly that I could barely pay attention to the not so subtle underlying holocaust themes.
Oh and remember that physics dude with the mouse project? Remember the moment when John Locke realized his father was really the man who killed Sawyer's parents? Ah and remember Richard, the bro who wouldn't die nor take off his eyeliner? And what about when Desmond calls Penny on Christmas (warning: girl porn), from the future!? How about Jacob and his identical twin bro the smoke monster...and in our opinion one of the most intense moments of Lost, when Charlie writes "not Penny's boat" on his hand and then lets himself die...this moment resulted us in saying "not penny's boat" to each other in a British accent for the next 3-5 days. NAWT PENNAY'S BOAT.
So that’s not even close to everything we took away from Lost, but it'll do. We won’t say the show left us unsatisfied because the finale was like so beautiful-- even though it did leave 90% of the questions unanswered and was more confusing than the math SATs. Regardless, the island made it so everyone ends up together in heaven or some shit like that and it was fulfilling when Jack closed his eye and died, coming full circle from him whipping them open in first few seconds of the first episode. We hope this TBT reminds you of the phenom that was Lost, and we hope you’re now inspired to rewatch the series on Netflix. We recently did and we can tell you the sex scenes are much more enjoyable to watch now that we're older and not on the couch next to your dad.