August 12, 2012
In celebration of the group that gave us former BOTW Victoria Beckham, taught us what the British flag looks like, and is currently acting as the grand finale for the entire Olymbetch, we're inventing throwback Sunday (this one time) and honoring the Spice Girls.
Way back in like the late 90s, every betch had a favorite Spice Girl who she would always play when dressing up with her besties and performing Wannabe with round brushes/inflatable microphones. The competition for who got to be Posh was also an unspoken contest for who embraced betchiness at the earliest age, because she was the only one whose alias didn't suggest that she was a monster, toddler, or an Asian seasoning.
If you weren't Posh it was also cool to be Baby because she was blonde and cute, or Ginger because she wore the slutty flag dress, but if you were Sporty it was because you were a lez and if you were Scary you were either the Dud or extremely fug. Who do you think you are?
From their extremely original album titles such "Spice" and "Spice World" to their high platform heels and costumes that usually consisted of like 1 small square of sparkly fabric, the Spice Girls embodied betchiness before we even knew what it was. Their masterpieces Spice Up Your Life and Never Give Up On the Good Times were all about partying and having fun, while Wannabe started off with telling you everything we really fucking want and demanding to some SAB that if they want to be our lover, they have got to give, and also get with our besties. It's like, a simple 'hoes over bros' would've done, but then again Barbie dolls weren't modeled after the people who came up with that phrase.
Finally, every betch can empathize with the awful feelings when we think about SpiceWorld, and how half the movie was about a random pregnant Asian, or how we felt when Ginger decided to leave the group because she preferred #36 not doing work and private bulimia time to being on tour. We hope when someone finally offers them enough pence to convince Victoria to join them in making a real comeback, that they do so as Spice Betches. Everyone knows Girl Power was the grandma of Betch Power, and everyone's fallen under their magical spell at some point. As famous presidential bro Nelson Mandela said upon meeting them, "these are my heroes. This is one of the greatest moments in my life."