January 31, 2013
As a betch in training, unless you were poor or preferred flannel over floral, Barbie was your go-to toy. Even though she was blonde and had hair like straw, her life was totally awesome because we made it so. She was the most popular plastic betch around besides your mother. And I mean, she scored a life time fuck buddy like Ken who was so ripped and hot that we didn’t care that he often wore a scarf.
There was nothing we didn’t love about Barbie. She was tall, #5 skinny, had big boobs, and a hot pink Corvette that not even Elle Woods could pull off. Barbie had the life we all aspire to have, living in a dream house doing absolute shit, and banging Ken whenever we orchestrated it. She had almost as much clothing as us, meaning we did wardrobe changes like every 5 minutes, and even though her rubber heels were a bitch to get on and potentially a choking hazard if you’re special, we take all the credit for making her fab at all times. And in case you forgot, her name is fucking Barbie. She gets away with a name only strippers have because she kind of is a stripper out of context, when she’s not being a flight attendant in a slutty outfit Britney Spears ripped off for Toxic.
You were not a true Barbie fan if you collected those second tier figurines they tried to pass off as Barbie’s besties like Teresa or Christie. You know who was also sort of a drag? Barb's sister Stacie because in no
real fantasy world would Barbie ever give a shit about a younger sister with ugly hair who wouldn’t leave her the fuck alone. You Barbie was like, you can walk home bitches.
You were worthy of Barbie if you owned more than 12 of her and if you had accessories to make her life and your stories fucking amazing. And as much as you made Barbie and Ken get down, you know that B would never have a kid because she would never give up drinking and her party house in Malibu. Also according to her anatomy it's debatably impossible.
Babz was so fucking cool a song was written about her that is still being played in clubs in an ironic one-hit-wonder way. She was so popular that she transitioned from music to movies like a true pop star making her debut in Toy Story as the hottest most popular girl in the toy store. Thanks to Barbie for making it completely normal for 8 year old girls to run around schools singing, you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere...kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky. And like...make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please. I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees. It was basically our jam.
So betches, take today to remember the doll who gave you your first lesson in driving like a fucking idiot while looking hot in her pink power wheels, the one who always kept your weight in check, and the girl who was always there to hangout with after school when your loser friends were stuck doing their homework.