October 11, 2012
No one was more incremental to the molding of the international betch movement than the pre bat shit Britney Spears. Sure we loved her in the fucked up days and for that we gave her BOTW, but it's Throwback Thursday and time to remember Britney Spears: the Virgin Years.
From an early age this betch knew that small town America was not chic and it was impossible to become rich and famous for #42 dressing like a slut below the Mason-Dixon. So she made her parents move to NYC and she became the breakout star of the Mickey Mouse Club...she really was that innocent. This is where her future V-card swiper Justin Timberlake first hit on her, probably in a voice just as high pitched and fairy-like as the one he has today. There was also some other blonde on the show too, Christina Ag, and anyone who preferred her over Britney probs ended up a cast member on 16 and Pregnant.
But the real Britney frenzy began with her first album Hit Me Baby One More Time, when betches around the globe made their dads drive them to pick up this $13.99 CD which we looped in our discmans while learning every dance step. When our parents asked why we kept listening to the same 2 songs on repeat and not the whole thing, we were just like, I can't stop starting this one over and over..oops I did it again. Our lives changed with a green metallic midriff that was Crazy - and our efforts were focused on making it home in time to watch TRL in order to admire her trendy red plastic turtleneck jumpsuit.
Then came Lucky. Lucky was a song devoted to Britney congratulating herself for being a star while also #80 bitching that if there's nothing missing in her life then why the fuck do these tears come at night. Why does no one acknowledge that this song was a cry for help?
By the time the 2000s rolled around Brit was at a Crossroads - not a girl, not yet a woman, but still so overprotected. This quickly changed when she got in the zone. Things became official in 2003 when Madonna, the Queen of Pop gave Britney the role of Princess and made out with her at the VMAs after their Like A Virgin duet. At this point it was clear that Brit-Brit was absolutely nothing like a virgin and she went on to a Toxic life of rehab and diet pills.
But after all she's been through we're just happy she has been able to make a real comeback. Whether it's by being photographed with Starbucks in her hand, or making "I'm actually really disgusted by you" happy faces all day long on X Factor, Britney's finally revered a legend, and we won't hold her breakdown against her.