January 24, 2013
Where to begin on this series in which the plot wouldn't have been possible had casual sleepovers between members of the opposite sex been treated the same way they are in the real world.
This Thursday, betches are feeling super sentimental as we sort of remember the show that made contempo-casual happen. We also realize that from what we remember, almost all of the key plot points surrounded people kissing on docks, arguing on docks, and dying on docks. But that didn't stop this show from catapulting it's stars to relative fame. James Van Der Beek aka Dawson Leary was the moral compass/ heart and soul of the drama. TG JVB went on to star in Varsity Blues before falling off the face of the planet. With the exception of Michelle Williams who went on to be the respected actress of the bunch, most of the others have gone on to become parodies of themselves. Both Busy and JVDB have literally gone on to play a parody of themselves in sort-of-funny shows that are about to be and was just cancelled, respectively. Oh and Katie Holmes fucked her way to non-obscurity in order to land amazing lead roles in the Oscar Nominated Jack and Jill. Now that we think about it, the heart and soul of the show was the woman who sings the depressing theme song.
So let’s dive in:
Let’s first discuss the fact that the kids of Capeside, MA were literally supposed to be 15 to 16 years old when the show began. While in the long tradition of the network, all of the actors all looked they were 35 years old. Speaking as if you're an English professor in your late 50s must have just been a Creek thing. Clearly people who grow up on creeks have like, extensive vocabularies and affairs with their teachers. There was nothing more epic about Dawson’s Creek than the affair between Pacey Witter—the lovable screw up, who would do anything for his father’s approval—and his English teacher, Ms. Jacobs (who later became Tamara). Coo-coo-ca-choo, Mrs. Jacobs…you were banging a sophomore. Score? Were not even surprised that Joshua Jackson was always #32 winning, he was always way hotter than the Daws anyway.
It was amusing to see all the characters incestually hook up. Dawson’s Creek was actually pretty phenom in the way that it solidified the formula for future teen dramas . As a rule, everyone will hook up with everyone, whether in secret or on a boat, or on a boat in secret. Dawson and Jen, Dawson and Joey, Joey and Pacey, Joey and Jack (Andie’s GAY bro), Jen and all those other random guys… I think we can all agree that Joey’s college roomie, Audrie or some shit, was the closest thing this show had to a real betch. Like, yeah she worked and was sort of desperate but it was like sort of endearing and a little bit funny-sad which is like totally our favorite type of sad.
This whole fucking show was actually pretty depressing and the more we think about it, we should all question why our parents allowed us to watch this shit in grade school. It was like totally heartbreaking when Andie had to leave the show because of her psychotic visions of her dead brother’s ghost, but Pacey was so hot for taking care of her. Also, who could forget Joey’s whiney version of “On My Own” from Les Miserables, which pretty much made us more miserable than aristocrats during the French revolution.
One of the b
est worst laughable most tragic moments of the entire series is the death of Dawson’s father, Mitch Leary. After dealing with his wife’s affair/their open marriage, his gay son, and his non-breadwinner status of the household, all Mitch wanted was a sweet treat to get him through one more day of misery, but things turned sour as Mitch rocked out a little too hard to “Drift Away” and dropped his Vanilla ice cream scoop onto the floor of his car. We’ve chosen to overlook the fact that he’s eating ice cream because, whatever, I guess everyone (except us) are allowed cheat days, but the fact that he tries to salvage the scoop after it has hit the floor? And that causes a fatal accident? Like, was Mitch really planning on eating that ice cream had he safely rescooped? Who the fuck wrote/approved this story line because he/she deserves a strongly worded letter.