April 4, 2013
It's a basic fact of logic that everyone who lives on the planet which revolves around me has seen the movie Grease. Sure it may be a musical (gross!) and feature the most closeted gay molester of our time, but it also involved super betchy things like televised proms, love triangles, and the most improbable nicegirl transformation since Helen Keller learned how to curse not in braille.
Sandra Dee made transformation from a nicegirl who wore ribbons and sang ballads to a BSCB who #42 dressed like a slut and did wild shit like watch drag races and wear eyeliner. This is also the first time in recorded history that someone has curled her hair in an attempt to look hot. Don't try this at home.
The Pink Ladies were like the original Plastics except they took the on-Wednesday-we-wear-pink rule to gaudy Lisa Vanderpump proportions and ended up with these super tacky jackets. We assume these airheads sewed their names on in ugly cursive to either help them remember who's who or to stop someone with horrible taste from stealing them.
Rizzo was the queen bee who got a hickie from Kenickie and forgot to take her birth control. Frenchie was the dud who was a high school and beauty school dropout, dyed her hair pink, got a job at the diner, and took enough psychadelics to see a guardian angel. Talk about the delusional waiter.
Also, one of them drank a milkshake and a burger in one sitting once while not on a Kalteen diet, which scarred us even more than the fact that they let someone in their bestie group with the name Doody.
And this girl. How did they not drop her post-middle school?
But the main thing we could never understand is how no one realized Danny Zuko was a raging homosexual.
As if his perfectly greased hair and falsetto whimpering about being stranded at the drive-in (even though he had the car if we remember correctly) weren't clearer signs of his gayness than the beaches of Fiji, his car was literally flaming.
Here he is again, deep throating an invisible dick and calling it choreography.
And finally, if this movie is good for anything it's to remind us how lucky we are that we weren't alive for these sunglasses.
Or this girl.