February 20, 2014
Today we mourn the loss of a once popular girl and very near and dear friend—the Juicy Couture tracksuit. It seems like only yesterday when it was socially acceptable to be seen in public wearing only sweatpants and a matching fluorescent hoodie. Socially acceptable is an understatement. In 2004, it was actually fashionable. Think Paris Hilton circa season one of The Simple Life, or Regina George’s breast-augmented mom. They knew how to dress like ugly middle-schoolers on a snow day and pay $200 to do it. Juicy was more than a matchy-matchy way to never change out of your pajamas. It was a symbol of New Millennium status.
In addition to the totes comfortable tracksuits that basically felt like a soft cloud around your prepubescent body, Juicy was famous for the random captions featured on their apparel. Who didn’t own that t-shirt that said “Yo! Juicy Girl” across the front? It was kind of a necessity if you were going to prove from the first day of middle school that you were hotter and/or more expensive than the rest of your classmates. Sure it made your dad pretty uncomfortable when you wore it, but the word juicy isn’t necessarily sexual. When paired with words like fruit or gossip, it can have both benevolent and fun connotations.
In around 2009, Juicy switched its business slogan from “made in the glamorous USA” to “manufactured in the glamorous USA,” because as it turns out it was actually tiny-fingered sweatshop workers in Vietnam slaving over our terry cloth sweat pants and not glamorous Americans. To be honest, we’re buying a tracksuit, not a fucking orphan. Who cares which glamorous third world country was gluing on the rhinestones?
A decade ago, the Juicy lifestyle could be bought at the likes of Bloomingdales or Saks, giving the purchase of a pair of sweats the same pomp and price as a new Tory Burch bag, or, like, a small salad at the Saks cafe. But times change, and, unlike Paris Hilton’s nose, Juicy is not as huge as it was in 2004. Like (f)Ugg Boots or the T-Mobile Sidekick, being Juicy is just not cool anymore.
It took a while for someone to tell the Juicy execs themselves that we stopped giving a shit, but a couple months ago it was announced that the line would be killed off for good. Well, kind of. Technically the Juicy will still be sold at Kohl’s. LOL. Let’s be real, that entire poverty-laden cesspool smells like divorced moms and homeless people. Unless you’re buying Soffe shorts in bulk to prepare for a summer at camp, I can’t imagine why you’d even consider walking into that hillbilly discount dungeon. Suffice it to say, we’re so over it.
So goodbye Juicy. To us, you were more than pseudo-sexy uniforms for sluts-in-training. You brought us a whole host of goods, from perfume, to underwear, to sunglasses, all of which were stamped with that iconic Juicy calligraphy that made us feel fancy and possibly European. Not that we actually bought or stepped foot in your standalone stores but it was nice to know you were surviving. We’ll miss you, but your clothing was always pretty fugly anyway. We just didn't have a reason to admit it until now.